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2021年01月21日
Good Omens : S01E02 part2
501
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:48,600
There aren't 39 flavours
of ice cream in the whole world.
502
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,480
Pepper's given first names
were Pippin Galadriel Moonchild.
503
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:55,280
She had been given them
in a naming ceremony
504
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,080
in a muddy valley field
that contained several sheep
505
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,880
and a number of leaky
polythene tents.
506
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,720
Six months later,
sick of the rain, the men,
507
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,680
the sheep who ate first
their marijuana crop
and then their tents,
508
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:09,600
Pepper's mother returned
to Tadfield
509
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:12,400
and enrolled
in a Sociology course.
510
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,040
There could be,
if you mixed them up.
511
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,880
You know, strawberry
and chocolate.
512
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,080
Every gang needs a Brian.
513
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:25,680
Always grimy, always
supportive of anything
Adam invents or needs.
514
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:27,000
Vanilla and chocolate.
515
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:28,720
Chocolate and vanilla.
516
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,040
Strawberry and vanilla
and chocolate.
517
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:34,400
Anyway, nobody's going
to take Dog away from me.
518
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,040
We're together to the end.
Aren't we, boy?
519
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:42,880
Eye of newt
and tongue of dog,
520
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:45,840
north by northwest.
521
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:47,240
There.
522
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:50,280
And it's southwest.
523
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,080
You must be here somewhere.
524
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:01,880
There's a witch
moved in to Jasmine Cottage.
525
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,400
- That's stupid.
- -It's not stupid, stupid.
526
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:08,040
Mrs Henderson told my mother
that the lady there gets
a witches' newspaper.
527
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:11,880
Excuse me. My father says
there's no such thing
as witches.
528
00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,360
It makes sense that witches
would have their own newspaper.
529
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:15,920
My dad gets
the Angler's Times,
530
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:17,560
and I bet there's loads more
witches than anglers.
531
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,640
Shut up. I'm trying
to tell you things.
532
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,600
It's called
the Psychic News.
533
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:25,360
She's a witch.
534
00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:28,800
Actually, there are
no more witches,
because we invented science
535
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:31,560
and all the vicars set fire to
the witches for their own good.
536
00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:33,680
It was called
the Spanish Inquisition.
537
00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:36,000
I don't reckon it's allowed,
going round setting fire
to people.
538
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:38,400
Otherwise people'd be
doing it all the time.
539
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,360
It's alright if you're a vicar
and it stops the witches
from going to hell.
540
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:43,960
So I expect they'd be quite
grateful if they understood
it properly.
541
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,480
We could be the new
Spanish Inquisition.
542
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,240
Actually, we can't
be the Spanish Inquisition,
543
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,240
because we're not
actually Spanish.
544
00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:54,080
I've been to Barcelona.
I can teach you Spanish.
545
00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:56,160
They say "olé" a lot.
546
00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:59,040
We should practice
before we start burning witches.
547
00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:01,800
We should start small
and work our way up.
548
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:04,200
Leave it to me.
549
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:09,000
This is the Tadfield area.
Does it look familiar yet?
550
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,480
You know, it does. I think
there's an air base around
here somewhere.
551
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,760
Air base?
552
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,280
Well, you don't think
American diplomats' wives
553
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:19,600
usually give birth
in little religious hospitals
554
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,960
in the middle of nowhere,
do you?
555
00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:23,880
No, it all had to seem
to happen naturally,
556
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,160
so there's an air base
at Lower Tadfield.
557
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:29,680
Things started to happen,
base hospital isn't ready.
558
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,120
"Oh", our man there said.
559
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:35,040
"There's a birthing hospital
just down the road."
560
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,000
And there we were.
561
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:39,160
Rather good organisation.
562
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:40,680
Flawless.
563
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:42,400
It should have worked.
564
00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:48,200
Ah, but evil always contains the
seeds of its own destruction.
565
00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:52,040
No matter how well-planned,
how foolproof an evil plan,
566
00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:56,240
no matter how apparently
successful it may seem
upon the way,
567
00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:02,200
in the end it will founder
on the rocks of iniquity
and vanish.
568
00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:06,800
For my money it was just
an ordinary cock-up.
569
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,800
-Hey, guys.
-Hi.
570
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:22,040
Nice hat.
571
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:24,000
Actually, we made it
out of cardboard.
572
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:25,240
It's for our game.
573
00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:27,680
Stylish.
What are you guys playing?
574
00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:31,000
The British Inquisition.
- Come on, Wensleydale.
575
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:34,240
Sounds like fun.
How does the game work?
576
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:36,520
I am chief inquisitor.
Brian is head torturer.
577
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:38,000
And we're trying
to find a witch.
578
00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,760
Oh. Sounds very sensible.
579
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,080
- How do you do that?
- Watch.
580
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:45,840
Art thou a witch?
581
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:47,560
Olé?
582
00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:51,120
Yes?
583
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,760
You can't say yes.
You've got to say no.
584
00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:55,040
Then what?
585
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:56,360
Then we torture you
until you say yes.
586
00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:57,960
Wait, you're going
to torture him?
587
00:32:58,040 --> 00:32:59,240
We built a torturing machine.
588
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,080
It looks like a swing.
589
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:10,560
But, obviously,
in this situation,
I actually am a witch.
590
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:14,000
I have a big pointy hat,
and we have a cat at home, and--
591
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:15,760
and I borrowed
Mum's broom.
592
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:17,880
Look, no one's saying
you can't be a witch,
593
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:19,960
but you just have to say
you're not a witch.
594
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,160
There's no point
taking all this trouble
595
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,240
if you're going
to go round saying yes
the minute we ask you.
596
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:27,320
- Just say no.
- But--
597
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:30,160
Art thou a witch,
oh, evil crone?
598
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:33,600
Excuse me, Adam,
why must I do all the work?
599
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:37,080
I'm being tortured here.
Actually, this is very painful.
600
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:39,480
I am thinking of admitting
to being a witch.
601
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,480
I'm going to go home
if I can't have a go.
602
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:43,720
Don't see why evil witches
should have all the fun.
603
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,280
You have to keep pushing.
604
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,200
- Hey, kid.
- Yeah?
605
00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:50,040
-Can I ask you something?
-Yeah.
606
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,320
Are there any great beasts
or strange things happening?
607
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:55,840
Well, there's Dog.
I mean, he's a beast.
608
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:56,920
Come on, Dog, say hello.
609
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:00,080
Not what I was
looking for.
610
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:02,280
Hold on.
I have to tell them what to do.
611
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,840
All right, evil witch
Wensleydale, don't do it again.
612
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:08,960
And now you get off
the torturing swing and let
someone else have a turn.
613
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:10,400
Right, well,
you kids are hilarious,
614
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:12,960
but I'm going to keep looking,
so, bye.
615
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:28,920
Um, are you sure
this is the right place?
616
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,360
This-- This doesn't
look like a hospital.
617
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:32,800
And...
618
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:38,640
...it feels loved.
619
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:42,680
No, it's definitely
the place.
620
00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:43,960
What do you mean "loved"?
621
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:45,320
Well, I mean the opposite
of when you say,
622
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,160
"I don't like this place.
It feels spooky".
623
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:50,920
I don't ever say that.
I like spooky.
624
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:53,320
Big spooky fan, me.
Let's go talk to some nuns.
625
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,120
Ah! Oh!
626
00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:02,120
Blue?
627
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:05,480
- Oh, it's paint.
- Hey!
628
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:06,680
You've both been hit!
629
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:10,880
I don't know what you think
you're playing at right--
630
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,840
Aah!
631
00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:17,120
-Well, that was fun.
-Well, yes, fun for you.
632
00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:19,560
Look at the state
of this coat.
633
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:23,440
I've kept this
in tip-top condition
for over 180 years now.
634
00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:25,560
I'll never get this stain out.
635
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,560
-You could miracle it away.
-Hmm...
636
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:30,040
Yes, but...
637
00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,560
well, I would always know
the stain was there.
638
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,080
Underneath, I mean.
639
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:46,120
Oh, thank you.
640
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:49,400
Impressive hardware.
641
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:54,160
I've looked at this gun.
642
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:56,360
It's not a proper one
at all.
643
00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:58,640
It just shoots
paintballs.
644
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,160
Don't your lot
disapprove of guns?
645
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,360
Unless they're in
the right hands.
646
00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:06,600
Then they give weight
to a moral argument.
647
00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:08,200
I think.
648
00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:11,160
A moral argument?
Really?
649
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:13,440
Come on.
650
00:36:15,360 --> 00:36:16,760
This is definitely
the place.
651
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:18,880
Management training
no longer meant
652
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,800
watching half a dozen
unreliable PowerPoint
presentations.
653
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:24,200
Firms these days
expected more than that.
654
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:27,120
They wanted to establish
leadership potential,
655
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:29,440
group cooperation
and initiative,
656
00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:31,480
which allowed their employees
to fire paintballs
657
00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,320
at any colleagues
who irritated them.
658
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,600
Wonder where
the nuns went.
659
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,280
The brochure for Tadfield Manor
Crowley is inspecting
660
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:42,320
fails to contain any sentences
along the lines of,
661
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,960
"Until 11 years ago, the manor
was used as a hospital
662
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:49,120
by an order of Satanic nuns
who weren't actually
very good at it".
663
00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:56,120
Oh, Millie from Accounts
caught me on the elbow.
664
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:58,520
-Who's winning?
-You're all going to lose.
665
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:04,480
What-- What the hell
did you just do?
666
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:06,600
Well, they wanted real guns,
667
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:08,400
so I gave them
what they wanted.
668
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,280
I always said you couldn't trust
those people from Purchasing.
669
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:16,680
The bastards.
670
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,440
There are people out there
shooting at each other.
671
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:30,280
Well, it lends weight
to their moral argument.
672
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:32,480
Everyone has free will,
673
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,000
including the right
to murder.
674
00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:36,320
Just think of it as a microcosm
of the universe.
675
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:39,640
I wanted to be
a graphics designer,
676
00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:41,680
design LPs
for the Rolling Stones,
677
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:43,600
but the careers teacher
said he hadn't heard of them.
678
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:49,280
- So I spent 36 years
double-checking form BF-18.
679
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:52,480
They couldn't just say,
"Oh, Norman, we're giving
you early retirement.
680
00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:56,160
Have a watch, bugger off
and tend your marigolds".
681
00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,160
Well, if they want war...
682
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:00,080
we're going to give them war.
683
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:03,640
Okay, guys,
let's get the bastards.
684
00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:13,680
They're murdering
each other.
685
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,640
No, they aren't.
No one's killing anyone.
686
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,120
They're all having
miraculous escapes.
687
00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:20,760
It wouldn't be any fun
otherwise.
688
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,160
You know, Crowley,
689
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:28,440
I've always said
that deep down,
690
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,560
you really are quite a nice--
691
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:31,840
Shut it!
692
00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:33,280
I'm a demon.
I'm not nice.
693
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,440
I'm never nice.
Nice is a four-letter word.
694
00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:37,440
- I will not have--
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
695
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:40,080
Sorry to break up an intimate
moment. Can I help you?
696
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,160
-You.
-Saints and demons preserve us,
it's Master Crowley.
697
00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:51,200
You didn't have
to do that.
698
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:52,880
You could have just
asked her.
699
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:54,680
Oh...
700
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:56,960
of course, of course.
No. Yeah.
701
00:38:57,040 --> 00:38:59,160
"Excuse me, ma'am, we're
two supernatural entities
702
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:01,680
just looking for the notorious
Son of Satan.
703
00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:04,480
Wonder if you might help us
with our enquiries?"
704
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:11,880
Um, ahem, look... hello.
705
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:17,400
You weren't by any chance,
a nun here at this convent
11 years ago, were you?
706
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:18,840
I was.
707
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:21,400
Luck of the devil.
708
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,360
What happened to the baby
I gave you?
709
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:29,000
I swapped him with the son
of the American ambassador.
710
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:30,360
Such a nice man.
711
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:34,200
He used to be ambassador
to Swindon.
712
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:38,680
Then Sister Theresa
Garrulous came and took
the other baby away.
713
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,400
This American ambassador,
what was his name?
714
00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:44,400
Where did he come from and what
did he do with the baby?
715
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:45,880
I don't know.
716
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,920
Records. There must have
been records.
717
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,200
Yes. There were lots
of records.
718
00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:51,800
We were very good
at keeping records.
719
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,040
Well, where are they?
720
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:55,480
Burned in the fire.
721
00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,160
Hastur!
722
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:04,160
Well, is there anything
you remember about the baby?
723
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:08,440
He had lovely little
toesie-woesies.
724
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:12,360
Let's go.
725
00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:15,080
You will wake, having had
a lovely dream about
whatever you like best.
726
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:16,320
Oi.
727
00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:24,400
You'd think he'd show up,
wouldn't you?
728
00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:26,640
You'd think we could
detect him in some way.
729
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:29,360
He won't show up. Not to us.
Protective camouflage.
730
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:32,920
He won't even know it, but his
powers will keep him hidden
731
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,160
from prying occult forces.
732
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,360
Occult forces?
733
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,480
You and me.
734
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:41,960
-I'm not occult.
-Oh...
735
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,760
Angels aren't occult.
We're ethereal.
736
00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:52,760
Is there some other way
of locating him?
737
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:54,960
How the heaven
should I know?
738
00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:56,840
Armageddon only happens once,
you know.
739
00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:59,280
You don't get to go round again
until you get it right.
740
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:02,640
But I know one thing,
if we don't find him,
741
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:04,640
it won't be the war
to end all wars.
742
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:08,160
It'll be the war
to end everything.
743
00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:09,760
Most books on witchcraft
744
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,400
will tell you
that witches work naked.
745
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:17,160
This is because most books on
witchcraft are written by men.
746
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,840
"Darksome night
and shining moon..."
747
00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:27,640
Come on.
748
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:43,320
There's a very peculiar feeling
to this whole area.
749
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,400
I'm astonished
you can't feel it.
750
00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:47,440
I don't feel anything
out of the ordinary.
751
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,360
But it's everywhere.
All over here.
752
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:01,280
Love.
753
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:02,320
Flashes of love.
754
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:03,640
You're being ridiculous.
755
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:06,840
Last thing we need
right now is--
756
00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:13,520
You hit someone.
757
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:15,520
I didn't.
758
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:16,600
Someone hit me.
759
00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:26,440
Let there be light.
760
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:35,080
How the hell
did you do that?
761
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:43,360
I think I hit my head.
762
00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,440
That's it.
No bones broken.
763
00:42:58,600 --> 00:42:59,920
My bike.
764
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:01,120
Oh.
765
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:11,520
Amazingly resilient,
these old machines.
766
00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:12,880
Where do you need to get to?
767
00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:15,080
No, no, we're not
giving her a lift.
768
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:17,280
Out of the question.
There's nowhere to put the bike.
769
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,160
Except for the bike rack.
770
00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:25,800
Do get in, my dear.
771
00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:31,680
So, where are we
taking you?
772
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:33,840
Back to the village.
I'll give you directions.
773
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:49,280
Listen, my bike,
it didn't have gears.
774
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,160
I know my bike
didn't have gears.
775
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:54,280
Make a left.
776
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:59,640
Oh, Lord,
heal this bike.
777
00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:01,160
I got carried away.
778
00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:03,320
Oh, you can drop me off here.
779
00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:20,840
Oh, look, no gears.
780
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:24,360
-Just a perfectly
normal velocipede.
-Bicycle.
781
00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:26,960
Can we get on?
782
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:28,680
Get in, angel.
783
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,680
Hola, mi amor. How is it going?
784
00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:48,920
Lousy.
785
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:51,040
Any progress
in finding the--?
786
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:54,200
The young beast
and the lesser beast?
787
00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:55,920
It must be at the north end
of the village.
788
00:44:56,000 --> 00:45:00,520
I'm certain of it.
I just can't figure out where.
789
00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:02,840
Have you used
your pendulum?
790
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:04,480
Mom, I'm not a kid.
791
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:06,280
If I get too close,
the signal swamps me.
792
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:08,080
Further away, I can't get
an accurate fix.
793
00:45:08,160 --> 00:45:12,360
Mi amor, the answers
are always in the book.
794
00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:15,240
It's just sometimes you don't
see them till afterwards.
795
00:45:18,720 --> 00:45:20,800
The book.
796
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:23,440
Holy shit, Mom. I'm going
to have to call you back.
797
00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:45,600
Mm.
798
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:51,400
You know, we might get
another human to find him.
799
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:53,920
-What?
-Humans are good
at finding other humans.
800
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:55,800
They've been doing it
for thousands of years.
801
00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:58,280
And the child
is partly human.
802
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:01,120
Other humans might
be able to sense him.
803
00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:02,560
He's the Antichrist.
804
00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:05,000
He's got an automatic
defence thingy.
805
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:08,400
Suspicion slides off him like...
806
00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:11,800
whatever it is water
slides off.
807
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,680
Got any better ideas?
808
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,440
Or one single, better idea?
809
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:25,000
I still don't know
why you let him keep that dog.
810
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:28,680
It was his birthday.
And, oh, I don't know,
811
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:32,920
the way that he was looking
at the dog and the dog was
looking at him.
812
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:34,880
As if they were made
for each other.
813
00:46:34,960 --> 00:46:39,040
Arthur, you are
a softy sometimes.
814
00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:41,720
I resent that remark.
815
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:43,880
-Where's the dog now?
-Tied up outside.
816
00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,520
Adam asked if he could
have him in his room,
817
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:47,800
but I said absolutely not.
818
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:50,440
"Absolutely not", I said.
819
00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:17,240
Come on, Dog.
820
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:26,440
What was that about?
821
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:30,960
Oh, just checking
on Adam.
822
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:32,800
He's quite sweet,
you know...
823
00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:35,160
when he's asleep.
824
00:47:35,240 --> 00:47:37,600
When he's asleep, yeah.
825
00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:10,560
Look, there's something
I should tell you.
826
00:48:12,080 --> 00:48:15,760
I have a... "network"
827
00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:18,600
of highly trained
human agents
828
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:21,080
spread across the country.
829
00:48:21,160 --> 00:48:25,000
Now, I could set them
searching for the boy.
830
00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:28,080
You do? I actually--I actually
have something similar.
831
00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:30,720
Human operatives.
832
00:48:30,800 --> 00:48:34,880
Gosh, do you think
they ought to work together?
833
00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:37,000
I don't think
that's a very good idea.
834
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:39,920
My lot are not very
sophisticated,
835
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,800
politically speaking.
836
00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:46,160
No, no, neither are mine.
837
00:48:46,240 --> 00:48:49,360
So we tell our respective
operatives to look for the boy?
838
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:52,440
Unless you have
a better idea?
839
00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:56,520
-Ducks!
-What about ducks?
840
00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:58,600
They're what water
slides off.
841
00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:01,080
Just drive the car,
please.
842
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:19,400
You know, if you lined up
everyone in the whole world
843
00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:21,560
and asked them to describe
the Velvet Underground,
844
00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:24,840
nobody at all
would say "bebop".
845
00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:28,640
Oh, there's a book
back there.
846
00:49:28,720 --> 00:49:30,760
Well, it's not mine.
I don't read books.
847
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:33,400
It has to belong to the young
lady you hit with your car.
848
00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:34,880
I'm in enough trouble
as it is.
849
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,360
I'm not going to start
returning lost property.
850
00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:39,160
That's what your lot do.
851
00:49:39,240 --> 00:49:41,720
Why don't you just send it
to the Tadfield post office,
852
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:44,520
addressed to "the mad American
woman with the bicycle"?
853
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:50,200
Oh, uh...jolly good, yes.
Rather.
854
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,560
Right, so we'll both
contact our respective
human operatives, then?
855
00:49:53,640 --> 00:49:55,480
All right.
856
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:57,720
-Are you alright?
-Perfectly, yes.
857
00:49:57,800 --> 00:49:59,080
Uh, tip-top.
858
00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:02,000
-Absolutely tickety-boo.
-Tickety-boo?
859
00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:03,760
Mind how you go.
860
00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:07,720
Right.
861
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:09,720
Well, that was a thing.
862
00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:13,800
Aziraphale was
particularly proud of
his books of prophecy.
863
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:15,640
First editions, usually.
864
00:50:15,720 --> 00:50:18,240
And every one was signed.
865
00:50:18,320 --> 00:50:21,480
He had Martha the Gypsy
and Ignatius Sybilla
866
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:23,360
and Ottwell Binns.
867
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,160
Nostradamus had signed,
868
00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:29,280
"To myne olde friend Azerafel,
with beste wishes".
869
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,760
Mother Shipton had spilled
drink on his copy of her book.
870
00:50:32,840 --> 00:50:37,720
He even owned an original
scroll in the handwriting of
St John the Divine of Patmos,
871
00:50:37,800 --> 00:50:41,320
whose "Revelation" had been
the all-time best seller.
872
00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:42,840
But there was one book
he didn't have.
873
00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:45,480
One book he had only
heard of.
874
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:54,080
The Nice and Accurate
Prophecies of Agnes Nutter.
875
00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:10,160
When that the angel readeth
these words of mine,
876
00:51:10,240 --> 00:51:13,320
in his shop
of other men's books,
877
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:17,280
then the final days
are certes upon us.
878
00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:19,840
Open thine eyes
to understand.
879
00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:23,160
Open thine eyes and read,
I do say,
880
00:51:23,240 --> 00:51:24,640
foolish principalitee,
881
00:51:24,720 --> 00:51:29,000
for thy cocoa
doth grow... cold".
882
00:51:31,240 --> 00:51:34,280
"Thy cocoa doth grow cold"?
883
00:51:34,360 --> 00:51:36,680
What cocoa-- Oh!
884
00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:18,280
Any news? Found the missing
Antichrist yet?
885
00:52:18,360 --> 00:52:20,640
No. No news.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
886
00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:22,360
If I had anything,
I would tell you, obviously.
887
00:52:22,440 --> 00:52:24,400
Immediately. We're friends.
Why would you even ask?
888
00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:25,600
Oh, there's no news here either.
889
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:27,880
Call me if you find anything.
890
00:52:27,960 --> 00:52:29,440
Absolutely. Why would you think
I wouldn't?
891
00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:42,360
Hang on.
892
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:56,680
"Let him that hath understanding
count the number of the beast,
893
00:52:56,760 --> 00:52:59,520
for it is the number
of a man.
894
00:52:59,600 --> 00:53:04,760
And his number is six hundred
threescore and six."
895
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:08,880
It can't be that simple,
can it?
896
00:53:11,760 --> 00:53:16,400
I'd have to put the Tadfield
area code first, of course.
897
00:53:36,360 --> 00:53:39,040
Tadfield, 0-4-6-triple-6.
Arthur Young here.
898
00:53:39,120 --> 00:53:41,040
Dad, look, I got Dog to walk
on his hind legs!
899
00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:46,280
Sorry, right number!
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:48,600
There aren't 39 flavours
of ice cream in the whole world.
502
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,480
Pepper's given first names
were Pippin Galadriel Moonchild.
503
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:55,280
She had been given them
in a naming ceremony
504
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,080
in a muddy valley field
that contained several sheep
505
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,880
and a number of leaky
polythene tents.
506
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,720
Six months later,
sick of the rain, the men,
507
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,680
the sheep who ate first
their marijuana crop
and then their tents,
508
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:09,600
Pepper's mother returned
to Tadfield
509
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:12,400
and enrolled
in a Sociology course.
510
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,040
There could be,
if you mixed them up.
511
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,880
You know, strawberry
and chocolate.
512
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,080
Every gang needs a Brian.
513
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:25,680
Always grimy, always
supportive of anything
Adam invents or needs.
514
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:27,000
Vanilla and chocolate.
515
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:28,720
Chocolate and vanilla.
516
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,040
Strawberry and vanilla
and chocolate.
517
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:34,400
Anyway, nobody's going
to take Dog away from me.
518
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,040
We're together to the end.
Aren't we, boy?
519
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:42,880
Eye of newt
and tongue of dog,
520
00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:45,840
north by northwest.
521
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:47,240
There.
522
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:50,280
And it's southwest.
523
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,080
You must be here somewhere.
524
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:01,880
There's a witch
moved in to Jasmine Cottage.
525
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,400
- That's stupid.
- -It's not stupid, stupid.
526
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:08,040
Mrs Henderson told my mother
that the lady there gets
a witches' newspaper.
527
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:11,880
Excuse me. My father says
there's no such thing
as witches.
528
00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,360
It makes sense that witches
would have their own newspaper.
529
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:15,920
My dad gets
the Angler's Times,
530
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:17,560
and I bet there's loads more
witches than anglers.
531
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,640
Shut up. I'm trying
to tell you things.
532
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,600
It's called
the Psychic News.
533
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:25,360
She's a witch.
534
00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:28,800
Actually, there are
no more witches,
because we invented science
535
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:31,560
and all the vicars set fire to
the witches for their own good.
536
00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:33,680
It was called
the Spanish Inquisition.
537
00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:36,000
I don't reckon it's allowed,
going round setting fire
to people.
538
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:38,400
Otherwise people'd be
doing it all the time.
539
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,360
It's alright if you're a vicar
and it stops the witches
from going to hell.
540
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:43,960
So I expect they'd be quite
grateful if they understood
it properly.
541
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,480
We could be the new
Spanish Inquisition.
542
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,240
Actually, we can't
be the Spanish Inquisition,
543
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,240
because we're not
actually Spanish.
544
00:30:51,320 --> 00:30:54,080
I've been to Barcelona.
I can teach you Spanish.
545
00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:56,160
They say "olé" a lot.
546
00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:59,040
We should practice
before we start burning witches.
547
00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:01,800
We should start small
and work our way up.
548
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:04,200
Leave it to me.
549
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:09,000
This is the Tadfield area.
Does it look familiar yet?
550
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,480
You know, it does. I think
there's an air base around
here somewhere.
551
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,760
Air base?
552
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,280
Well, you don't think
American diplomats' wives
553
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:19,600
usually give birth
in little religious hospitals
554
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,960
in the middle of nowhere,
do you?
555
00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:23,880
No, it all had to seem
to happen naturally,
556
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,160
so there's an air base
at Lower Tadfield.
557
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:29,680
Things started to happen,
base hospital isn't ready.
558
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,120
"Oh", our man there said.
559
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:35,040
"There's a birthing hospital
just down the road."
560
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,000
And there we were.
561
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:39,160
Rather good organisation.
562
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:40,680
Flawless.
563
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:42,400
It should have worked.
564
00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:48,200
Ah, but evil always contains the
seeds of its own destruction.
565
00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:52,040
No matter how well-planned,
how foolproof an evil plan,
566
00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:56,240
no matter how apparently
successful it may seem
upon the way,
567
00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:02,200
in the end it will founder
on the rocks of iniquity
and vanish.
568
00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:06,800
For my money it was just
an ordinary cock-up.
569
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,800
-Hey, guys.
-Hi.
570
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:22,040
Nice hat.
571
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:24,000
Actually, we made it
out of cardboard.
572
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:25,240
It's for our game.
573
00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:27,680
Stylish.
What are you guys playing?
574
00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:31,000
The British Inquisition.
- Come on, Wensleydale.
575
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:34,240
Sounds like fun.
How does the game work?
576
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:36,520
I am chief inquisitor.
Brian is head torturer.
577
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:38,000
And we're trying
to find a witch.
578
00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:41,760
Oh. Sounds very sensible.
579
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,080
- How do you do that?
- Watch.
580
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:45,840
Art thou a witch?
581
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:47,560
Olé?
582
00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:51,120
Yes?
583
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,760
You can't say yes.
You've got to say no.
584
00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:55,040
Then what?
585
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:56,360
Then we torture you
until you say yes.
586
00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:57,960
Wait, you're going
to torture him?
587
00:32:58,040 --> 00:32:59,240
We built a torturing machine.
588
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,080
It looks like a swing.
589
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:10,560
But, obviously,
in this situation,
I actually am a witch.
590
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:14,000
I have a big pointy hat,
and we have a cat at home, and--
591
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:15,760
and I borrowed
Mum's broom.
592
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:17,880
Look, no one's saying
you can't be a witch,
593
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:19,960
but you just have to say
you're not a witch.
594
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,160
There's no point
taking all this trouble
595
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,240
if you're going
to go round saying yes
the minute we ask you.
596
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:27,320
- Just say no.
- But--
597
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:30,160
Art thou a witch,
oh, evil crone?
598
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:33,600
Excuse me, Adam,
why must I do all the work?
599
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:37,080
I'm being tortured here.
Actually, this is very painful.
600
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:39,480
I am thinking of admitting
to being a witch.
601
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,480
I'm going to go home
if I can't have a go.
602
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:43,720
Don't see why evil witches
should have all the fun.
603
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,280
You have to keep pushing.
604
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,200
- Hey, kid.
- Yeah?
605
00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:50,040
-Can I ask you something?
-Yeah.
606
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,320
Are there any great beasts
or strange things happening?
607
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:55,840
Well, there's Dog.
I mean, he's a beast.
608
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:56,920
Come on, Dog, say hello.
609
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:00,080
Not what I was
looking for.
610
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:02,280
Hold on.
I have to tell them what to do.
611
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,840
All right, evil witch
Wensleydale, don't do it again.
612
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:08,960
And now you get off
the torturing swing and let
someone else have a turn.
613
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:10,400
Right, well,
you kids are hilarious,
614
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:12,960
but I'm going to keep looking,
so, bye.
615
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:28,920
Um, are you sure
this is the right place?
616
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,360
This-- This doesn't
look like a hospital.
617
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:32,800
And...
618
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:38,640
...it feels loved.
619
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:42,680
No, it's definitely
the place.
620
00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:43,960
What do you mean "loved"?
621
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:45,320
Well, I mean the opposite
of when you say,
622
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,160
"I don't like this place.
It feels spooky".
623
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:50,920
I don't ever say that.
I like spooky.
624
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:53,320
Big spooky fan, me.
Let's go talk to some nuns.
625
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,120
Ah! Oh!
626
00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:02,120
Blue?
627
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:05,480
- Oh, it's paint.
- Hey!
628
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:06,680
You've both been hit!
629
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:10,880
I don't know what you think
you're playing at right--
630
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,840
Aah!
631
00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:17,120
-Well, that was fun.
-Well, yes, fun for you.
632
00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:19,560
Look at the state
of this coat.
633
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:23,440
I've kept this
in tip-top condition
for over 180 years now.
634
00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:25,560
I'll never get this stain out.
635
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,560
-You could miracle it away.
-Hmm...
636
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:30,040
Yes, but...
637
00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,560
well, I would always know
the stain was there.
638
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,080
Underneath, I mean.
639
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:46,120
Oh, thank you.
640
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:49,400
Impressive hardware.
641
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:54,160
I've looked at this gun.
642
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:56,360
It's not a proper one
at all.
643
00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:58,640
It just shoots
paintballs.
644
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,160
Don't your lot
disapprove of guns?
645
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,360
Unless they're in
the right hands.
646
00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:06,600
Then they give weight
to a moral argument.
647
00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:08,200
I think.
648
00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:11,160
A moral argument?
Really?
649
00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:13,440
Come on.
650
00:36:15,360 --> 00:36:16,760
This is definitely
the place.
651
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:18,880
Management training
no longer meant
652
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,800
watching half a dozen
unreliable PowerPoint
presentations.
653
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:24,200
Firms these days
expected more than that.
654
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:27,120
They wanted to establish
leadership potential,
655
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:29,440
group cooperation
and initiative,
656
00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:31,480
which allowed their employees
to fire paintballs
657
00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,320
at any colleagues
who irritated them.
658
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,600
Wonder where
the nuns went.
659
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,280
The brochure for Tadfield Manor
Crowley is inspecting
660
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:42,320
fails to contain any sentences
along the lines of,
661
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:44,960
"Until 11 years ago, the manor
was used as a hospital
662
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:49,120
by an order of Satanic nuns
who weren't actually
very good at it".
663
00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:56,120
Oh, Millie from Accounts
caught me on the elbow.
664
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:58,520
-Who's winning?
-You're all going to lose.
665
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:04,480
What-- What the hell
did you just do?
666
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:06,600
Well, they wanted real guns,
667
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:08,400
so I gave them
what they wanted.
668
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,280
I always said you couldn't trust
those people from Purchasing.
669
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:16,680
The bastards.
670
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,440
There are people out there
shooting at each other.
671
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:30,280
Well, it lends weight
to their moral argument.
672
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:32,480
Everyone has free will,
673
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,000
including the right
to murder.
674
00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:36,320
Just think of it as a microcosm
of the universe.
675
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:39,640
I wanted to be
a graphics designer,
676
00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:41,680
design LPs
for the Rolling Stones,
677
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:43,600
but the careers teacher
said he hadn't heard of them.
678
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:49,280
- So I spent 36 years
double-checking form BF-18.
679
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:52,480
They couldn't just say,
"Oh, Norman, we're giving
you early retirement.
680
00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:56,160
Have a watch, bugger off
and tend your marigolds".
681
00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,160
Well, if they want war...
682
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:00,080
we're going to give them war.
683
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:03,640
Okay, guys,
let's get the bastards.
684
00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:13,680
They're murdering
each other.
685
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,640
No, they aren't.
No one's killing anyone.
686
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,120
They're all having
miraculous escapes.
687
00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:20,760
It wouldn't be any fun
otherwise.
688
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,160
You know, Crowley,
689
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:28,440
I've always said
that deep down,
690
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,560
you really are quite a nice--
691
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:31,840
Shut it!
692
00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:33,280
I'm a demon.
I'm not nice.
693
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,440
I'm never nice.
Nice is a four-letter word.
694
00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:37,440
- I will not have--
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
695
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:40,080
Sorry to break up an intimate
moment. Can I help you?
696
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,160
-You.
-Saints and demons preserve us,
it's Master Crowley.
697
00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:51,200
You didn't have
to do that.
698
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:52,880
You could have just
asked her.
699
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:54,680
Oh...
700
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:56,960
of course, of course.
No. Yeah.
701
00:38:57,040 --> 00:38:59,160
"Excuse me, ma'am, we're
two supernatural entities
702
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:01,680
just looking for the notorious
Son of Satan.
703
00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:04,480
Wonder if you might help us
with our enquiries?"
704
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:11,880
Um, ahem, look... hello.
705
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:17,400
You weren't by any chance,
a nun here at this convent
11 years ago, were you?
706
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:18,840
I was.
707
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:21,400
Luck of the devil.
708
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,360
What happened to the baby
I gave you?
709
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:29,000
I swapped him with the son
of the American ambassador.
710
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:30,360
Such a nice man.
711
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:34,200
He used to be ambassador
to Swindon.
712
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:38,680
Then Sister Theresa
Garrulous came and took
the other baby away.
713
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,400
This American ambassador,
what was his name?
714
00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:44,400
Where did he come from and what
did he do with the baby?
715
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:45,880
I don't know.
716
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:47,920
Records. There must have
been records.
717
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,200
Yes. There were lots
of records.
718
00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:51,800
We were very good
at keeping records.
719
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,040
Well, where are they?
720
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:55,480
Burned in the fire.
721
00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,160
Hastur!
722
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:04,160
Well, is there anything
you remember about the baby?
723
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:08,440
He had lovely little
toesie-woesies.
724
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:12,360
Let's go.
725
00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:15,080
You will wake, having had
a lovely dream about
whatever you like best.
726
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:16,320
Oi.
727
00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:24,400
You'd think he'd show up,
wouldn't you?
728
00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:26,640
You'd think we could
detect him in some way.
729
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:29,360
He won't show up. Not to us.
Protective camouflage.
730
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:32,920
He won't even know it, but his
powers will keep him hidden
731
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,160
from prying occult forces.
732
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,360
Occult forces?
733
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,480
You and me.
734
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:41,960
-I'm not occult.
-Oh...
735
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,760
Angels aren't occult.
We're ethereal.
736
00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:52,760
Is there some other way
of locating him?
737
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:54,960
How the heaven
should I know?
738
00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:56,840
Armageddon only happens once,
you know.
739
00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:59,280
You don't get to go round again
until you get it right.
740
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:02,640
But I know one thing,
if we don't find him,
741
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:04,640
it won't be the war
to end all wars.
742
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:08,160
It'll be the war
to end everything.
743
00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:09,760
Most books on witchcraft
744
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,400
will tell you
that witches work naked.
745
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:17,160
This is because most books on
witchcraft are written by men.
746
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,840
"Darksome night
and shining moon..."
747
00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:27,640
Come on.
748
00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:43,320
There's a very peculiar feeling
to this whole area.
749
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,400
I'm astonished
you can't feel it.
750
00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:47,440
I don't feel anything
out of the ordinary.
751
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,360
But it's everywhere.
All over here.
752
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:01,280
Love.
753
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:02,320
Flashes of love.
754
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:03,640
You're being ridiculous.
755
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:06,840
Last thing we need
right now is--
756
00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:13,520
You hit someone.
757
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:15,520
I didn't.
758
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:16,600
Someone hit me.
759
00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:26,440
Let there be light.
760
00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:35,080
How the hell
did you do that?
761
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:43,360
I think I hit my head.
762
00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,440
That's it.
No bones broken.
763
00:42:58,600 --> 00:42:59,920
My bike.
764
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:01,120
Oh.
765
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:11,520
Amazingly resilient,
these old machines.
766
00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:12,880
Where do you need to get to?
767
00:43:12,960 --> 00:43:15,080
No, no, we're not
giving her a lift.
768
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:17,280
Out of the question.
There's nowhere to put the bike.
769
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,160
Except for the bike rack.
770
00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:25,800
Do get in, my dear.
771
00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:31,680
So, where are we
taking you?
772
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:33,840
Back to the village.
I'll give you directions.
773
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:49,280
Listen, my bike,
it didn't have gears.
774
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,160
I know my bike
didn't have gears.
775
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:54,280
Make a left.
776
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:59,640
Oh, Lord,
heal this bike.
777
00:43:59,720 --> 00:44:01,160
I got carried away.
778
00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:03,320
Oh, you can drop me off here.
779
00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:20,840
Oh, look, no gears.
780
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:24,360
-Just a perfectly
normal velocipede.
-Bicycle.
781
00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:26,960
Can we get on?
782
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:28,680
Get in, angel.
783
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,680
Hola, mi amor. How is it going?
784
00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:48,920
Lousy.
785
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:51,040
Any progress
in finding the--?
786
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:54,200
The young beast
and the lesser beast?
787
00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:55,920
It must be at the north end
of the village.
788
00:44:56,000 --> 00:45:00,520
I'm certain of it.
I just can't figure out where.
789
00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:02,840
Have you used
your pendulum?
790
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:04,480
Mom, I'm not a kid.
791
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:06,280
If I get too close,
the signal swamps me.
792
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:08,080
Further away, I can't get
an accurate fix.
793
00:45:08,160 --> 00:45:12,360
Mi amor, the answers
are always in the book.
794
00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:15,240
It's just sometimes you don't
see them till afterwards.
795
00:45:18,720 --> 00:45:20,800
The book.
796
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:23,440
Holy shit, Mom. I'm going
to have to call you back.
797
00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:45,600
Mm.
798
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:51,400
You know, we might get
another human to find him.
799
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:53,920
-What?
-Humans are good
at finding other humans.
800
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:55,800
They've been doing it
for thousands of years.
801
00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:58,280
And the child
is partly human.
802
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:01,120
Other humans might
be able to sense him.
803
00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:02,560
He's the Antichrist.
804
00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:05,000
He's got an automatic
defence thingy.
805
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:08,400
Suspicion slides off him like...
806
00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:11,800
whatever it is water
slides off.
807
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,680
Got any better ideas?
808
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,440
Or one single, better idea?
809
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:25,000
I still don't know
why you let him keep that dog.
810
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:28,680
It was his birthday.
And, oh, I don't know,
811
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:32,920
the way that he was looking
at the dog and the dog was
looking at him.
812
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:34,880
As if they were made
for each other.
813
00:46:34,960 --> 00:46:39,040
Arthur, you are
a softy sometimes.
814
00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:41,720
I resent that remark.
815
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:43,880
-Where's the dog now?
-Tied up outside.
816
00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,520
Adam asked if he could
have him in his room,
817
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:47,800
but I said absolutely not.
818
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:50,440
"Absolutely not", I said.
819
00:47:15,960 --> 00:47:17,240
Come on, Dog.
820
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:26,440
What was that about?
821
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:30,960
Oh, just checking
on Adam.
822
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:32,800
He's quite sweet,
you know...
823
00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:35,160
when he's asleep.
824
00:47:35,240 --> 00:47:37,600
When he's asleep, yeah.
825
00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:10,560
Look, there's something
I should tell you.
826
00:48:12,080 --> 00:48:15,760
I have a... "network"
827
00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:18,600
of highly trained
human agents
828
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:21,080
spread across the country.
829
00:48:21,160 --> 00:48:25,000
Now, I could set them
searching for the boy.
830
00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:28,080
You do? I actually--I actually
have something similar.
831
00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:30,720
Human operatives.
832
00:48:30,800 --> 00:48:34,880
Gosh, do you think
they ought to work together?
833
00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:37,000
I don't think
that's a very good idea.
834
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:39,920
My lot are not very
sophisticated,
835
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,800
politically speaking.
836
00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:46,160
No, no, neither are mine.
837
00:48:46,240 --> 00:48:49,360
So we tell our respective
operatives to look for the boy?
838
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:52,440
Unless you have
a better idea?
839
00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:56,520
-Ducks!
-What about ducks?
840
00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:58,600
They're what water
slides off.
841
00:48:58,680 --> 00:49:01,080
Just drive the car,
please.
842
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:19,400
You know, if you lined up
everyone in the whole world
843
00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:21,560
and asked them to describe
the Velvet Underground,
844
00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:24,840
nobody at all
would say "bebop".
845
00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:28,640
Oh, there's a book
back there.
846
00:49:28,720 --> 00:49:30,760
Well, it's not mine.
I don't read books.
847
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:33,400
It has to belong to the young
lady you hit with your car.
848
00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:34,880
I'm in enough trouble
as it is.
849
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,360
I'm not going to start
returning lost property.
850
00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:39,160
That's what your lot do.
851
00:49:39,240 --> 00:49:41,720
Why don't you just send it
to the Tadfield post office,
852
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:44,520
addressed to "the mad American
woman with the bicycle"?
853
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:50,200
Oh, uh...jolly good, yes.
Rather.
854
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,560
Right, so we'll both
contact our respective
human operatives, then?
855
00:49:53,640 --> 00:49:55,480
All right.
856
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:57,720
-Are you alright?
-Perfectly, yes.
857
00:49:57,800 --> 00:49:59,080
Uh, tip-top.
858
00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:02,000
-Absolutely tickety-boo.
-Tickety-boo?
859
00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:03,760
Mind how you go.
860
00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:07,720
Right.
861
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:09,720
Well, that was a thing.
862
00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:13,800
Aziraphale was
particularly proud of
his books of prophecy.
863
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:15,640
First editions, usually.
864
00:50:15,720 --> 00:50:18,240
And every one was signed.
865
00:50:18,320 --> 00:50:21,480
He had Martha the Gypsy
and Ignatius Sybilla
866
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:23,360
and Ottwell Binns.
867
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,160
Nostradamus had signed,
868
00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:29,280
"To myne olde friend Azerafel,
with beste wishes".
869
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,760
Mother Shipton had spilled
drink on his copy of her book.
870
00:50:32,840 --> 00:50:37,720
He even owned an original
scroll in the handwriting of
St John the Divine of Patmos,
871
00:50:37,800 --> 00:50:41,320
whose "Revelation" had been
the all-time best seller.
872
00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:42,840
But there was one book
he didn't have.
873
00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:45,480
One book he had only
heard of.
874
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:54,080
The Nice and Accurate
Prophecies of Agnes Nutter.
875
00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:10,160
When that the angel readeth
these words of mine,
876
00:51:10,240 --> 00:51:13,320
in his shop
of other men's books,
877
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:17,280
then the final days
are certes upon us.
878
00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:19,840
Open thine eyes
to understand.
879
00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:23,160
Open thine eyes and read,
I do say,
880
00:51:23,240 --> 00:51:24,640
foolish principalitee,
881
00:51:24,720 --> 00:51:29,000
for thy cocoa
doth grow... cold".
882
00:51:31,240 --> 00:51:34,280
"Thy cocoa doth grow cold"?
883
00:51:34,360 --> 00:51:36,680
What cocoa-- Oh!
884
00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:18,280
Any news? Found the missing
Antichrist yet?
885
00:52:18,360 --> 00:52:20,640
No. No news.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
886
00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:22,360
If I had anything,
I would tell you, obviously.
887
00:52:22,440 --> 00:52:24,400
Immediately. We're friends.
Why would you even ask?
888
00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:25,600
Oh, there's no news here either.
889
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:27,880
Call me if you find anything.
890
00:52:27,960 --> 00:52:29,440
Absolutely. Why would you think
I wouldn't?
891
00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:42,360
Hang on.
892
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:56,680
"Let him that hath understanding
count the number of the beast,
893
00:52:56,760 --> 00:52:59,520
for it is the number
of a man.
894
00:52:59,600 --> 00:53:04,760
And his number is six hundred
threescore and six."
895
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:08,880
It can't be that simple,
can it?
896
00:53:11,760 --> 00:53:16,400
I'd have to put the Tadfield
area code first, of course.
897
00:53:36,360 --> 00:53:39,040
Tadfield, 0-4-6-triple-6.
Arthur Young here.
898
00:53:39,120 --> 00:53:41,040
Dad, look, I got Dog to walk
on his hind legs!
899
00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:46,280
Sorry, right number!
Good Omens : S01E02 part1
1
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:46,440
Can I help you?
2
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,440
I would like to purchase
one of your material objects.
3
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:52,920
-Books.
-Books.
4
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,560
Let us discuss my purchase
in a private place,
5
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,840
because I am buying, uh...
6
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,760
Pornography?
7
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,720
Pornography.
8
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,120
Gabriel, come into
my back room.
9
00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,800
We humans are extremely
easily embarrassed.
10
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:13,200
We must buy our pornography
secretively.
11
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,560
Human beings are so simple...
12
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,280
and so easily fooled.
13
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:20,560
Yes.
14
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,560
Ahem, good job.
You-- You fooled them all.
15
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,560
You remember Sandalphon?
16
00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,400
Uh... Sodom and Gomorrah.
17
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:28,760
You were doing
a lot of smiting
18
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,040
and turning people
into salt.
19
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:32,240
Hard to forget.
20
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,560
Something smells...evil.
21
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:42,040
Oh, that'll be
the Jeffrey Archer books,
I'm afraid.
22
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,440
Well, we just wanted
to stop by
23
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,120
and check on the status
of the Antichrist.
24
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,600
Why? What's wrong?
25
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,000
I-- I mean, if there is
something wrong,
26
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,840
I could put
my people onto it.
27
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,840
Nothing's wrong.
Everything's going perfectly.
28
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,120
There's a lot happening.
All good.
29
00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,320
All good?
30
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:01,600
Well, all going according
to the Divine Plan.
31
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,600
The Hell Hound
has been set loose,
32
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,920
and now the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse
are being summoned.
33
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,640
Death, Pollution,
Famine, War.
34
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:10,880
Right.
35
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,040
Who exactly summons them?
36
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:14,440
Not my department.
37
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,240
I believe we outsource
that sort of thing.
38
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,080
About time,
that's what I say.
39
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:21,560
You can't have a war
without War.
40
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,880
Sandalphon,
that is very good.
41
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,960
You can't have a war
without War.
42
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:31,960
I might use that. Huh?
43
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,160
Anyway...
44
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,400
no problems?
How was the Hell Hound?
45
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,520
I-- I didn't
stick around to see.
46
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,960
Thank you
for my pornography!
47
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,360
Excellent job.
48
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,600
"You can't have a war
without War."
49
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,000
Clever.
50
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,320
Welcome back.
Now, the government's
foreign affairs spokesman
51
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,640
will be here to comment
on the recent increase
52
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,360
in international tensions.
53
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:10,800
But first, do you know
what's in your fridge?
54
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,400
Morning, Crowley.
55
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,160
Just checking in.
56
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,560
Nice chair.
57
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:16,760
Hey, guys.
58
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,520
It's about
the Antichrist.
59
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,120
Yeah. Great kid.
Takes after his dad.
60
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,080
Our operatives
in the State Department
61
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,520
have arranged
for the child's family
62
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,320
to be flown
to the Middle East.
63
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,760
There, he and the Hell Hound
64
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,680
will be taken
to the Valley of Megiddo.
65
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,880
The Four Horsemen
will begin their final ride.
66
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,200
-Yay.
-Armageddon will begin.
67
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,240
The final combat.
68
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,360
It's what we've been working
towards since we rebelled.
69
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,360
We are the fallen.
70
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,000
Never forget that.
71
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,560
Well, it's not the sort
of thing you forget.
72
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,600
I don't
trust you, Crowley.
73
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,600
Everything's going just fine.
74
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,880
I didn't mean to fall.
75
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,280
I just hung around
the wrong people.
76
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,320
Somebody has to summon
77
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,880
the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse.
78
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:07,520
But they outsource
that sort of thing these days.
79
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:08,960
Meet the Summoner.
80
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,480
He has four items
to deliver in his van.
81
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,320
He works for
the International
Express Company.
82
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:18,400
And he's about to make
his first delivery
in a former war zone.
83
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:24,640
Sometimes, despite everything,
peace breaks out.
84
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,760
People get tired of fighting,
and pain, and death,
85
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,000
and are willing to start
all over again.
86
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,800
Excuse me,
who are you?
87
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,040
Carmine Zingiber.
National World Weekly.
88
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:37,120
War correspondent.
89
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,040
Well, this is good,
my friend.
90
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,200
It is good that a member
of the world press is here
91
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,120
to see us sign
the peace accord.
92
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:51,800
Right, well, if you'd like to
sign this first, Your Highness,
93
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,600
and then the Prime Minister,
then the Supreme Leader,
94
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,360
then we'll get a photograph
of all three of you together.
95
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,360
Wait. He signs first?
96
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,120
It is just a formality
who signs first.
97
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,240
A formality? You make me
a laughingstock in my country,
98
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,120
and you call that a formality?
99
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:09,000
Somebody has to sign
the peace agreement first.
100
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,240
They do, and it's me.
101
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:20,360
Oh, don't mind me,
ladies and gents.
102
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:22,520
Oh, what a day, eh?
103
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,000
Nearly didn't find the place.
104
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,760
Someone doesn't believe
in signposts, eh?
105
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,080
Package for you, miss.
106
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,880
You, uh...
you have to sign for it.
107
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,360
Well, it's a lovely place
you got here.
108
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,520
Yeah, I always wanted
to come here on my holidays.
109
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,280
-Finally.
-Put it down.
110
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,440
Oh, you sweet thing.
111
00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,280
That's not gonna happen,
is it?
112
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:03,720
Sorry, folks.
113
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,280
I'd love to stay and get
to know you all better...
114
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,280
but duty calls.
115
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,400
She's the first of four.
116
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,400
And you can't have a war
without her.
117
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,760
She's been killing time
for so long now.
118
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,680
Time, and sometimes people.
119
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:33,360
And now, 60 centuries
of waiting are about to end.
120
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,600
This is also
the story of a witch,
121
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:06,680
a Witchfinder,
and a book.
122
00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,880
And that story starts
about 360 years ago,
123
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,680
with the last witch burning
in England.
124
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,000
Witchfinder Major
Pulsifer, all is prepared.
125
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,320
Where is the hag?
126
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,040
In her cottage.
She suspects nothing.
127
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,880
I thought you'd tested her
with a pin.
128
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,880
We did. Regulation-issue
Witchfinder's pin.
129
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,760
-Pricked her all over.
-And what was the result?
130
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,440
She said it cured
her arthritis.
131
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:31,560
Hmm.
132
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,520
Of what else
is she accused?
133
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,480
Predicting the future,
mostly.
134
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:36,920
She told Mistress Bulcock
135
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,240
that Adultery
would be coming to town.
136
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,600
Such nonsense.
137
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:42,960
That's you, isn't it?
138
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,840
It's not me.
139
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:47,880
My given name,
Witchfinder Private Maggs,
140
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,880
is Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery.
141
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,440
But you can call me
"Witchfinder Major Pulsifer".
142
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,720
So they don't call you
"Adultery Pulsifer"?
143
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,760
They do not.
144
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,760
Good milkman...
145
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,280
bring no more milk,
146
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,640
not this day or ever,
147
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,520
for today I am to die
in flames.
148
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,640
Yours, Agnes Nutter.
149
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,960
P.S. My best wishes
to your wife.
150
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,200
Witch! Witch!
151
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:24,600
They're late.
152
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:28,520
She runs, I have heard tell,
153
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,480
with no one
pursuing her.
154
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,760
Aye. She says
running each morning
155
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,320
in an unladylike manner
around the village
156
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,880
doth improve her health.
157
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,520
Monstrous.
158
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,520
Perhaps invisible demons
pursue the witch as she runs.
159
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:44,000
No, she says
it's good for you.
160
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:47,040
She said we should get
more fibre in our diet.
161
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:51,400
I told her, I said, it's hard
enough picking out the gravel.
162
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,960
Aye, she is obviously mad.
163
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,160
But how can we be certain
she is a witch?
164
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,840
She cured me
of the howling pox.
165
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,760
And cured my son
of the bloody flux.
166
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,520
Obviously, a witch.
167
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,360
Witch.
168
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,600
Witch.
169
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,480
Witch.
170
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,160
Witch.
171
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:17,960
Adultery Pulsifer...
172
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,160
good people,
173
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:21,880
thou art tardy.
174
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,080
I should have been aflame
10 minutes since.
175
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,360
Right.
176
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,200
Mistress Nutter?
177
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,720
- Hey!
- Hey!
178
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,080
Oi!
179
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,640
This is most irregular,
Mistress Nutter.
180
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:04,920
Gather thee right close,
good people.
181
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,240
Come close until the fire
near scorch ye,
182
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,520
for I charge ye
that all must see
183
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,520
how the last true witch
in England dies.
184
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,760
And let my death
be a message to the world.
185
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:19,520
Come.
186
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,280
Come. Gather thee close, I say.
187
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:26,200
And mark well the fate
of those who meddle
188
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,640
with such as they
do not understand.
189
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,840
Oh, bugger.
190
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:48,960
Among the folk
from the next village,
191
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,120
there was much
subsequent debate
192
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:56,200
as to whether this disaster had
been sent by God or by Satan.
193
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,200
However, a note found
in Agnes' cottage
194
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:02,600
suggested that any divine
or devilish intervention
195
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,400
had been materially
helped by Agnes' petticoats,
196
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,640
in which she had concealed
50 pounds of gunpowder
197
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,520
and 30 pounds
of roofing nails.
198
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,000
Oh, bugger.
199
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,760
Agnes also left behind
a box and a book.
200
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,160
They were to be given to her
daughter and her son-in-law,
201
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,160
John and Virtue Device.
202
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,000
"Dear Mistress Nutter,
203
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,560
we take great pleasure
in enclosing
204
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,720
your author's copy
of your book.
205
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,680
We trust it will sell
in huge numbers,
206
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,720
yea, and be reprinted even
unto a second printing.
207
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:39,320
Yours, Bilton and Scaggs,
publishers."
208
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,040
The Nice and Accurate
Prophecies of Agnes Nutter.
209
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:47,440
"Reminiscent of Nostradamus
at his best."
210
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,040
Ursula Shipton.
211
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,520
What does this mean, John?
212
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,240
It means, Virtue,
that even though Agnes is dead,
213
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,120
we must study her book.
214
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,960
For your mother
knew the future.
215
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,600
"Prophecy 2,214.
216
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,560
In December 1980,
217
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,800
an Apple will arise
no man can eat.
218
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,680
Invest thy money
in Master Jobbes's machine,
219
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,280
and good fortune
will tend thy days."
220
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,560
Oh, I mean,
this is balderdash.
221
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,800
The book
Agnes left behind her
222
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,000
was the sole prophetic work
in all of human history
223
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,880
to consist entirely of
completely correct predictions
224
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,720
concerning the following
350-odd years.
225
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,440
Being a precise
and accurate description
226
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,480
of the events that would
culminate in Armageddon.
227
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:54,680
It was on the money
in every single detail.
228
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:58,240
On the night the Antichrist was
born, in a house in Malibu,
229
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,880
Agnes Nutter's
great-great-great-great-great
granddaughter
230
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,160
was drawing
on the title page.
231
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:08,120
And, metaphorically, the book
had just begun to tick.
232
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:15,000
Okay, Anathema.
Prophecy 2,214.
233
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,680
"In December 1980,
234
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,920
an Apple will arise
that no man can eat."
235
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,520
That one's stupid, Mom.
It doesn't mean anything.
236
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:29,120
My mom bought 5,000 shares
in Apple in 1980.
237
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,640
That's worth
$40 million today.
238
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:36,680
Okay, 2,213.
239
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,600
"Four shall ride, and three
shall ride the sky as two,
240
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,880
and one shall ride in flames,
241
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,480
and there shall be
no stopping them.
242
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:50,040
Not fish, nor rain,
neither devil or angel.
243
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,840
And ye shall be there also,
Anathema."
244
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,560
You see?
245
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,160
She's got special plans for you,
mi amor.
246
00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,120
Agnes gave us
the easy job.
247
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,440
We just had to make sure
everything was good
for the family.
248
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:07,000
You're the one that's going
to have to save the world.
249
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,680
Meanwhile,
in Dorking, Surrey,
250
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,560
Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery Pulsifer's
251
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,800
great-great-great-great-great
grandson
252
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,920
should have been in bed
hours ago.
253
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:22,440
Newton?
254
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,360
It's after your bedtime,
dear.
255
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:25,800
Just a few more minutes, Mum.
256
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,440
I'm putting the old computer
back together.
257
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,160
You young scientists
and your experiments.
258
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,000
It's not really
an experiment, Mum.
259
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,520
I just changed the plug.
260
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,160
It'll work now.
261
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,320
I do hope the man from
the electric isn't going
to be upset again.
262
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,040
-It's not fair.
-Oh, don't worry, love.
263
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:48,040
It's not as if
it's the end of the world.
264
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,160
I just wanted to say, well,
good luck on the new job.
265
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,120
I hope it works out
this time.
266
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,920
-I'm sure it'll be fine, Mum.
-You've just been unlucky.
267
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,120
I made you sandwiches.
268
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,240
And you are?
269
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,760
Newton Pulsifer.
Wages clerk.
270
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,000
I'm new.
271
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,800
Excuse me,
I was just wondering,
272
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:18,960
is there a way that I could
do this without putting it
in the computer?
273
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,440
Is there a way of accessing
the wages database...
274
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,040
without using a computer?
275
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,560
Or maybe someone could
print it out for me,
276
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,040
and then I could do
the sums on paper.
277
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:37,880
Okay, who's excited
by the training initiative?
278
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,600
Let's see some hands.
Yeah?
279
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,160
Just so that you know, Norman,
280
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,040
I've registered
a complaint with HR
281
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,720
about this whole training
initiative nonsense.
282
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,080
It's a team-building exercise,
Janice.
283
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,880
And, um, just so as you know,
284
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,760
there's no "I" in "team", yeah?
285
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,560
But there's two "I's"
in "building", Nigel.
286
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,000
And an "I" in "exercise".
287
00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,600
Yeah. Alright.
288
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,480
So, can I have everybody's
attention, please?
289
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,800
Sorry, I've just got to hit
return and I'll be with you.
290
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,080
- Oh!
- Uh-oh.
291
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,040
Sorry, just not very good
with computers.
292
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,560
Need a hand, Dick?
293
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:24,640
My name's not actually Dick.
It's the car's name.
294
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,640
You can ask me why,
if you like.
295
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:38,880
Hello.
296
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,480
"Athaneema Device"?
297
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,200
Anathema Device.
It's an old family name.
298
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,560
Purpose of your visit
to the United Kingdom?
299
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,320
Well, I'm commanded by
an ancient family prophecy.
300
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,160
I'm going to use all the wisdom
and witchcraft at my disposal
301
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,000
to hunt down
the heart of darkness,
302
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,560
and then do all that I can
to destroy it
303
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,320
before it brings about
the end of the world.
304
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,680
I'm sorry?
305
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,160
Vacation.
306
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:04,320
Hello, Mum.
307
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,240
The new job?
308
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,440
Yeah, it's going really well.
309
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,440
They're great.
310
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,080
- They love me.
- -Walk past them with your noses in the air.
311
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,560
Bye, Mum.
312
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,080
There's only one thing
we have to fear, you sissies,
313
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:21,080
and it's not global warming,
and it's not nuclear Armageddon.
314
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,240
Can anyone here
tell me what it is?
315
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:25,880
Ha! You don't answer.
316
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,080
You don't answer,
because you know it's true.
317
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,040
They are hidden
in our midst.
318
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,680
I'm the thin red line that
stands between humanity
and the darkness.
319
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,320
-Yea, I'm talking about--
-Witches?
320
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,320
Aye, witches.
321
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,080
They lurk behind a facade
of righteousness.
322
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,320
And there's naebody
can stop them...
323
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,040
but me.
324
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,440
In the old days,
Witchfinders were respected.
325
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,320
Matthew Hopkins,
Witchfinder General...
326
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,080
...he used to charge each town
and village ninepence
327
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,080
for every witch he found.
328
00:18:58,160 --> 00:18:59,800
And they paid.
329
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,880
Are you, um,
Witchfinder General?
330
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,480
Oh, I am not.
331
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,920
There is no longer
a Witchfinder General.
332
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,960
Nor is there
a Witchfinder Colonel,
333
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:11,560
a Witchfinder Major,
not even a Witchfinder Captain.
334
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:15,320
There is, however,
a Witchfinder Sergeant.
335
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:16,920
And you're looking at him.
336
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,800
Well, pleased to meet you,
Mr Shadwell.
337
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,320
Um, cup of tea.
Nine sugars.
338
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,520
And a packet of cheese
and onion crisps.
339
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:26,920
Coming right up.
340
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,760
Get your wallet out,
laddie.
341
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,160
You never
want to appear tight-fisted
342
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,560
on first acquaintance.
343
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,320
- Thank you.
- And it's not "Mr Shadwell".
344
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,720
It's "Sergeant".
Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell.
345
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,680
What's your name, lad?
346
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,800
Newton.
Newton Pulsifer.
347
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,080
Pulsifer?
348
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,720
That's a familiar name,
now you mention it.
349
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,800
You have your own teeth?
350
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,480
Yes.
351
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,280
-How many nipples
have you got?
-What?
352
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,040
Nipples, laddie. How many?
353
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,920
Um, just the usual two.
354
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,520
Okay...
355
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,320
Be here at 11:00 tomorrow.
356
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:09,760
Bring scissors.
357
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,160
Just put it there.
Thanks so much.
358
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,640
What a gorgeous village, huh?
359
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:47,880
Thank you.
360
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:49,720
Hmm...
361
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:12,560
Right.
362
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:14,520
To work.
363
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,800
Easy job.
364
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,160
Deliver the Antichrist.
Keep an eye on him.
365
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,320
Nice, straightforward job, eh?
366
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,800
Not the kind of thing any demon
is going to screw up, right?
367
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:32,480
The only things in
the flat Crowley devotes
any personal attention to
368
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,320
are the houseplants.
369
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,560
He had heard about talking
to plants in the early '70s,
370
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,240
and thought it
an excellent idea.
371
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:44,920
Although "talking"
is perhaps the wrong word
for what Crowley does.
372
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,240
Is that a spot?
373
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,960
Is it?
374
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,840
Right, you know what I've told
you all about leaf spots.
375
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,880
I will not
stand for them!
376
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,080
You know what you've done.
377
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,040
You've disappointed me.
378
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,160
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
379
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,120
Everyone!
380
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,120
Say goodbye
to your friend.
381
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:21,800
He just couldn't cut it.
382
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:26,520
Now, this is going
to hurt you so much more
than it will hurt me.
383
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,800
And you guys,
grow better!
384
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:34,080
What he does
is put the fear
of God into them.
385
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,680
More precisely,
the fear of Crowley.
386
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,440
The plants are the most
luxurious,
387
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,200
verdant and beautiful
in London.
388
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,760
Also, the most terrified.
389
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,320
The Nice and Accurate
Prophecies of Agnes Nutter?
390
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,240
I'm so sorry,
I can't help you.
391
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,960
Well, of course
I know who she was.
392
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,160
Born 1600, exploded 1656.
393
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:19,160
But there are no copies
of her book available.
394
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,400
No, I can't name my price.
I don't have it.
395
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,160
Nobody has--
396
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:29,080
Well, there really is no need
for that kind of language.
397
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,240
Um, hello.
398
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:51,000
I'm here about the advert
in the paper.
399
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:54,320
Well, Madame Tracy
draws aside the veil
400
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,600
every afternoon
except Thursdays.
401
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,160
I think there must
be another advert.
402
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,680
Oh, right.
403
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,560
Come in, dear. You're lucky.
404
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:08,000
One of my regulars
had to cancel.
405
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,720
Now, I don't do anything kinky
except by prior arrangement.
406
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:16,040
And my knees
aren't what they were.
407
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,040
Also, if it's strict discipline
you'll be wanting,
408
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,480
you'd better tell me now because
it can take me half an hour
409
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,040
to squeeze
into the leather pinny.
410
00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:26,880
I'm sorry?
411
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,400
Are you not here for intimate
personal relaxation
412
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,320
and stress relief
for the discerning gentleman?
413
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,000
No.
414
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,000
I'm here to join
the Witchfinder Army.
415
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:39,600
Oh!
416
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,240
Mr Shadwell said
he was expecting a visitor.
417
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,200
It's just been him
for so long.
418
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:52,760
Aye.
419
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,200
It's your new recruit,
Mr Shadwell, look.
420
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,200
Away with you, harlot.
421
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,800
Scarlet woman.
Jezebel.
422
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,760
Oh, Mr Shadwell.
423
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,080
I'll bring you both tea.
424
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,560
Milk and sugar, dear?
425
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,640
He's in the army now, Jezebel.
426
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,680
He'll make his own tea.
427
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,840
Welcome to the Witchfinder Army,
new recruit.
428
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:23,280
You are, as of now,
Witchfinder Private Pulsifer.
429
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,160
We used to be powerful.
430
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:27,520
We used to be
important.
431
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:29,960
-Oh.
-Condensed milk, lad.
432
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,600
-And I take--
-Nine sugars.
433
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,480
Exactly.
434
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,560
We were the line of fire
435
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,000
between the darkness
and the poor unsuspecting folk
436
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:40,520
who don't believe
in witches.
437
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:43,560
-Hmm!
-But, Sergeant Shadwell,
438
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,040
don't the churches
do that these days?
439
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,800
Nay, laddie.
440
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,720
Against the darkness?
441
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,280
It's a war.
442
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,240
And you know
what our first weapon is?
443
00:25:55,960 --> 00:26:00,680
Oh! The Thundergun of
Witchfinder Colonel "Get 'em
before they get you" Dalrymple?
444
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:02,000
Nay, laddie.
445
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,320
That'll never
be used again.
446
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,200
Not in this degenerate age.
447
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:08,960
Very good.
448
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:10,680
And you know
what we do with them?
449
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:16,160
No, lad.
450
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:20,920
We read.
451
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,640
And we cut.
452
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,640
Hey, this is Anthony Crowley.
453
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,600
You know what to do.
Do it with style.
454
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,720
No leads yet my end.
455
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,520
Anything at your end?
456
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,040
Listen, I have sort
of an idea.
457
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:41,040
What?
458
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,080
Ah, hello. When you did
the baby swap 11 years ago,
459
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:44,880
could something
have gone wrong?
460
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,200
What?
461
00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,600
-You've lost the boy.
-"We've" lost him.
462
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,520
A child has been lost.
463
00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,600
-But you still know his age--
-"We" know.
464
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,320
His birthday. He's 11.
465
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,160
-You make it sound easy.
-Well, it can't be that hard.
466
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,200
I just hope nothing's
happened to him.
467
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:07,680
Happened?
Nothing's happened to him.
468
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:09,240
He happens to everything.
469
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:13,320
So, we only have to find
his birth records.
470
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,160
Go through
the hospital files.
471
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,960
-And then what?
-And then we find the child.
472
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,880
And then what?
473
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,520
Watch out for that pedestrian.
474
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:24,880
She's on the street.
She knows the risk she's taking.
475
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:28,160
Just watch the--
Watch the road.
476
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,920
Wh-Where is this hospital,
anyway?
477
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,240
A village near Oxford,
Tadfield.
478
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,960
Crowley, you can't do 90 miles
per hour in Central London.
479
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,120
-Why not?
-You'll get us killed.
480
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,080
Well, inconveniently
discorporated.
481
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:46,240
Music. Why don't I put on
a little... music?
482
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:48,920
What's a Velvet Underground?
483
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,400
You wouldn't like it.
484
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,400
Oh. Bebop.
485
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,360
Yah!
486
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,320
I still can't believe
your dad let you keep him, Adam.
487
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,320
Actually, when I found a cat
488
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:08,600
we had to put up a notice
saying we found a lost cat,
489
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,480
and then we had
to give her back.
490
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,040
It's my birthday.
And he wasn't wearing a collar.
491
00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:15,080
And we asked, and nobody's
reported a missing dog.
492
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,360
Our dog doesn't like me.
It pretends I'm not there.
493
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:22,040
Did you know that my cousin
Charlotte says that in America,
494
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:26,640
they have shops that sell 39
different flavours of ice cream.
495
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:28,800
Wensleydale's
first name is Jeremy,
496
00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:30,920
but nobody's ever used it,
497
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,440
not even his parents,
who call him "Youngster".
498
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,280
All that stands between
Wensleydale
499
00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:39,440
and chartered accountancy
is time.
500
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,880
There aren't 39 different
flavours of ice cream.
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:46,440
Can I help you?
2
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,440
I would like to purchase
one of your material objects.
3
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:52,920
-Books.
-Books.
4
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,560
Let us discuss my purchase
in a private place,
5
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,840
because I am buying, uh...
6
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,760
Pornography?
7
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,720
Pornography.
8
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,120
Gabriel, come into
my back room.
9
00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,800
We humans are extremely
easily embarrassed.
10
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:13,200
We must buy our pornography
secretively.
11
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,560
Human beings are so simple...
12
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,280
and so easily fooled.
13
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:20,560
Yes.
14
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,560
Ahem, good job.
You-- You fooled them all.
15
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,560
You remember Sandalphon?
16
00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,400
Uh... Sodom and Gomorrah.
17
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:28,760
You were doing
a lot of smiting
18
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,040
and turning people
into salt.
19
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:32,240
Hard to forget.
20
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,560
Something smells...evil.
21
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:42,040
Oh, that'll be
the Jeffrey Archer books,
I'm afraid.
22
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,440
Well, we just wanted
to stop by
23
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,120
and check on the status
of the Antichrist.
24
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,600
Why? What's wrong?
25
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,000
I-- I mean, if there is
something wrong,
26
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,840
I could put
my people onto it.
27
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,840
Nothing's wrong.
Everything's going perfectly.
28
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,120
There's a lot happening.
All good.
29
00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,320
All good?
30
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:01,600
Well, all going according
to the Divine Plan.
31
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,600
The Hell Hound
has been set loose,
32
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,920
and now the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse
are being summoned.
33
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,640
Death, Pollution,
Famine, War.
34
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:10,880
Right.
35
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,040
Who exactly summons them?
36
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:14,440
Not my department.
37
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,240
I believe we outsource
that sort of thing.
38
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,080
About time,
that's what I say.
39
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:21,560
You can't have a war
without War.
40
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,880
Sandalphon,
that is very good.
41
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,960
You can't have a war
without War.
42
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:31,960
I might use that. Huh?
43
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,160
Anyway...
44
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,400
no problems?
How was the Hell Hound?
45
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,520
I-- I didn't
stick around to see.
46
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,960
Thank you
for my pornography!
47
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,360
Excellent job.
48
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,600
"You can't have a war
without War."
49
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,000
Clever.
50
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,320
Welcome back.
Now, the government's
foreign affairs spokesman
51
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,640
will be here to comment
on the recent increase
52
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,360
in international tensions.
53
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:10,800
But first, do you know
what's in your fridge?
54
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,400
Morning, Crowley.
55
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,160
Just checking in.
56
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,560
Nice chair.
57
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:16,760
Hey, guys.
58
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:18,520
It's about
the Antichrist.
59
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,120
Yeah. Great kid.
Takes after his dad.
60
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,080
Our operatives
in the State Department
61
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,520
have arranged
for the child's family
62
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,320
to be flown
to the Middle East.
63
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,760
There, he and the Hell Hound
64
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,680
will be taken
to the Valley of Megiddo.
65
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,880
The Four Horsemen
will begin their final ride.
66
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,200
-Yay.
-Armageddon will begin.
67
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,240
The final combat.
68
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,360
It's what we've been working
towards since we rebelled.
69
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,360
We are the fallen.
70
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,000
Never forget that.
71
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,560
Well, it's not the sort
of thing you forget.
72
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,600
I don't
trust you, Crowley.
73
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,600
Everything's going just fine.
74
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,880
I didn't mean to fall.
75
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,280
I just hung around
the wrong people.
76
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,320
Somebody has to summon
77
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,880
the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse.
78
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:07,520
But they outsource
that sort of thing these days.
79
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:08,960
Meet the Summoner.
80
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,480
He has four items
to deliver in his van.
81
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,320
He works for
the International
Express Company.
82
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:18,400
And he's about to make
his first delivery
in a former war zone.
83
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:24,640
Sometimes, despite everything,
peace breaks out.
84
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,760
People get tired of fighting,
and pain, and death,
85
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,000
and are willing to start
all over again.
86
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,800
Excuse me,
who are you?
87
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,040
Carmine Zingiber.
National World Weekly.
88
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:37,120
War correspondent.
89
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,040
Well, this is good,
my friend.
90
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,200
It is good that a member
of the world press is here
91
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,120
to see us sign
the peace accord.
92
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:51,800
Right, well, if you'd like to
sign this first, Your Highness,
93
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,600
and then the Prime Minister,
then the Supreme Leader,
94
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,360
then we'll get a photograph
of all three of you together.
95
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,360
Wait. He signs first?
96
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,120
It is just a formality
who signs first.
97
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,240
A formality? You make me
a laughingstock in my country,
98
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,120
and you call that a formality?
99
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:09,000
Somebody has to sign
the peace agreement first.
100
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,240
They do, and it's me.
101
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:20,360
Oh, don't mind me,
ladies and gents.
102
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:22,520
Oh, what a day, eh?
103
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,000
Nearly didn't find the place.
104
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,760
Someone doesn't believe
in signposts, eh?
105
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,080
Package for you, miss.
106
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,880
You, uh...
you have to sign for it.
107
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,360
Well, it's a lovely place
you got here.
108
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,520
Yeah, I always wanted
to come here on my holidays.
109
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,280
-Finally.
-Put it down.
110
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,440
Oh, you sweet thing.
111
00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,280
That's not gonna happen,
is it?
112
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:03,720
Sorry, folks.
113
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,280
I'd love to stay and get
to know you all better...
114
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,280
but duty calls.
115
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,400
She's the first of four.
116
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,400
And you can't have a war
without her.
117
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,760
She's been killing time
for so long now.
118
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,680
Time, and sometimes people.
119
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:33,360
And now, 60 centuries
of waiting are about to end.
120
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,600
This is also
the story of a witch,
121
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:06,680
a Witchfinder,
and a book.
122
00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,880
And that story starts
about 360 years ago,
123
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,680
with the last witch burning
in England.
124
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,000
Witchfinder Major
Pulsifer, all is prepared.
125
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,320
Where is the hag?
126
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,040
In her cottage.
She suspects nothing.
127
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,880
I thought you'd tested her
with a pin.
128
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,880
We did. Regulation-issue
Witchfinder's pin.
129
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,760
-Pricked her all over.
-And what was the result?
130
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,440
She said it cured
her arthritis.
131
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:31,560
Hmm.
132
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,520
Of what else
is she accused?
133
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,480
Predicting the future,
mostly.
134
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:36,920
She told Mistress Bulcock
135
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,240
that Adultery
would be coming to town.
136
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,600
Such nonsense.
137
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:42,960
That's you, isn't it?
138
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,840
It's not me.
139
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:47,880
My given name,
Witchfinder Private Maggs,
140
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,880
is Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery.
141
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,440
But you can call me
"Witchfinder Major Pulsifer".
142
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,720
So they don't call you
"Adultery Pulsifer"?
143
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,760
They do not.
144
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,760
Good milkman...
145
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,280
bring no more milk,
146
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,640
not this day or ever,
147
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,520
for today I am to die
in flames.
148
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,640
Yours, Agnes Nutter.
149
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,960
P.S. My best wishes
to your wife.
150
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,200
Witch! Witch!
151
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:24,600
They're late.
152
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:28,520
She runs, I have heard tell,
153
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,480
with no one
pursuing her.
154
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,760
Aye. She says
running each morning
155
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,320
in an unladylike manner
around the village
156
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,880
doth improve her health.
157
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,520
Monstrous.
158
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,520
Perhaps invisible demons
pursue the witch as she runs.
159
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:44,000
No, she says
it's good for you.
160
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:47,040
She said we should get
more fibre in our diet.
161
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:51,400
I told her, I said, it's hard
enough picking out the gravel.
162
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,960
Aye, she is obviously mad.
163
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,160
But how can we be certain
she is a witch?
164
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,840
She cured me
of the howling pox.
165
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,760
And cured my son
of the bloody flux.
166
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,520
Obviously, a witch.
167
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,360
Witch.
168
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,600
Witch.
169
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,480
Witch.
170
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,160
Witch.
171
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:17,960
Adultery Pulsifer...
172
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,160
good people,
173
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:21,880
thou art tardy.
174
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,080
I should have been aflame
10 minutes since.
175
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,360
Right.
176
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,200
Mistress Nutter?
177
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,720
- Hey!
- Hey!
178
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,080
Oi!
179
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,640
This is most irregular,
Mistress Nutter.
180
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:04,920
Gather thee right close,
good people.
181
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,240
Come close until the fire
near scorch ye,
182
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,520
for I charge ye
that all must see
183
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,520
how the last true witch
in England dies.
184
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,760
And let my death
be a message to the world.
185
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:19,520
Come.
186
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,280
Come. Gather thee close, I say.
187
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:26,200
And mark well the fate
of those who meddle
188
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,640
with such as they
do not understand.
189
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,840
Oh, bugger.
190
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:48,960
Among the folk
from the next village,
191
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,120
there was much
subsequent debate
192
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:56,200
as to whether this disaster had
been sent by God or by Satan.
193
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,200
However, a note found
in Agnes' cottage
194
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:02,600
suggested that any divine
or devilish intervention
195
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,400
had been materially
helped by Agnes' petticoats,
196
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,640
in which she had concealed
50 pounds of gunpowder
197
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,520
and 30 pounds
of roofing nails.
198
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,000
Oh, bugger.
199
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,760
Agnes also left behind
a box and a book.
200
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,160
They were to be given to her
daughter and her son-in-law,
201
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,160
John and Virtue Device.
202
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,000
"Dear Mistress Nutter,
203
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,560
we take great pleasure
in enclosing
204
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,720
your author's copy
of your book.
205
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,680
We trust it will sell
in huge numbers,
206
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,720
yea, and be reprinted even
unto a second printing.
207
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:39,320
Yours, Bilton and Scaggs,
publishers."
208
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,040
The Nice and Accurate
Prophecies of Agnes Nutter.
209
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:47,440
"Reminiscent of Nostradamus
at his best."
210
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,040
Ursula Shipton.
211
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,520
What does this mean, John?
212
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,240
It means, Virtue,
that even though Agnes is dead,
213
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,120
we must study her book.
214
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,960
For your mother
knew the future.
215
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,600
"Prophecy 2,214.
216
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,560
In December 1980,
217
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,800
an Apple will arise
no man can eat.
218
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,680
Invest thy money
in Master Jobbes's machine,
219
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,280
and good fortune
will tend thy days."
220
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,560
Oh, I mean,
this is balderdash.
221
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,800
The book
Agnes left behind her
222
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,000
was the sole prophetic work
in all of human history
223
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,880
to consist entirely of
completely correct predictions
224
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,720
concerning the following
350-odd years.
225
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,440
Being a precise
and accurate description
226
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,480
of the events that would
culminate in Armageddon.
227
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:54,680
It was on the money
in every single detail.
228
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:58,240
On the night the Antichrist was
born, in a house in Malibu,
229
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,880
Agnes Nutter's
great-great-great-great-great
granddaughter
230
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,160
was drawing
on the title page.
231
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:08,120
And, metaphorically, the book
had just begun to tick.
232
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:15,000
Okay, Anathema.
Prophecy 2,214.
233
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,680
"In December 1980,
234
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,920
an Apple will arise
that no man can eat."
235
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,520
That one's stupid, Mom.
It doesn't mean anything.
236
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:29,120
My mom bought 5,000 shares
in Apple in 1980.
237
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,640
That's worth
$40 million today.
238
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:36,680
Okay, 2,213.
239
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,600
"Four shall ride, and three
shall ride the sky as two,
240
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,880
and one shall ride in flames,
241
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,480
and there shall be
no stopping them.
242
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:50,040
Not fish, nor rain,
neither devil or angel.
243
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,840
And ye shall be there also,
Anathema."
244
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,560
You see?
245
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,160
She's got special plans for you,
mi amor.
246
00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,120
Agnes gave us
the easy job.
247
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,440
We just had to make sure
everything was good
for the family.
248
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:07,000
You're the one that's going
to have to save the world.
249
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,680
Meanwhile,
in Dorking, Surrey,
250
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,560
Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery Pulsifer's
251
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,800
great-great-great-great-great
grandson
252
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,920
should have been in bed
hours ago.
253
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:22,440
Newton?
254
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,360
It's after your bedtime,
dear.
255
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:25,800
Just a few more minutes, Mum.
256
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,440
I'm putting the old computer
back together.
257
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,160
You young scientists
and your experiments.
258
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,000
It's not really
an experiment, Mum.
259
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,520
I just changed the plug.
260
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,160
It'll work now.
261
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,320
I do hope the man from
the electric isn't going
to be upset again.
262
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,040
-It's not fair.
-Oh, don't worry, love.
263
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:48,040
It's not as if
it's the end of the world.
264
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,160
I just wanted to say, well,
good luck on the new job.
265
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,120
I hope it works out
this time.
266
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,920
-I'm sure it'll be fine, Mum.
-You've just been unlucky.
267
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,120
I made you sandwiches.
268
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,240
And you are?
269
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,760
Newton Pulsifer.
Wages clerk.
270
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,000
I'm new.
271
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,800
Excuse me,
I was just wondering,
272
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:18,960
is there a way that I could
do this without putting it
in the computer?
273
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,440
Is there a way of accessing
the wages database...
274
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,040
without using a computer?
275
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,560
Or maybe someone could
print it out for me,
276
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,040
and then I could do
the sums on paper.
277
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:37,880
Okay, who's excited
by the training initiative?
278
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,600
Let's see some hands.
Yeah?
279
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,160
Just so that you know, Norman,
280
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,040
I've registered
a complaint with HR
281
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,720
about this whole training
initiative nonsense.
282
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,080
It's a team-building exercise,
Janice.
283
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,880
And, um, just so as you know,
284
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,760
there's no "I" in "team", yeah?
285
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,560
But there's two "I's"
in "building", Nigel.
286
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,000
And an "I" in "exercise".
287
00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,600
Yeah. Alright.
288
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,480
So, can I have everybody's
attention, please?
289
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,800
Sorry, I've just got to hit
return and I'll be with you.
290
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,080
- Oh!
- Uh-oh.
291
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,040
Sorry, just not very good
with computers.
292
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,560
Need a hand, Dick?
293
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:24,640
My name's not actually Dick.
It's the car's name.
294
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,640
You can ask me why,
if you like.
295
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:38,880
Hello.
296
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,480
"Athaneema Device"?
297
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,200
Anathema Device.
It's an old family name.
298
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,560
Purpose of your visit
to the United Kingdom?
299
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,320
Well, I'm commanded by
an ancient family prophecy.
300
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,160
I'm going to use all the wisdom
and witchcraft at my disposal
301
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,000
to hunt down
the heart of darkness,
302
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,560
and then do all that I can
to destroy it
303
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,320
before it brings about
the end of the world.
304
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,680
I'm sorry?
305
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,160
Vacation.
306
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:04,320
Hello, Mum.
307
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,240
The new job?
308
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,440
Yeah, it's going really well.
309
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,440
They're great.
310
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,080
- They love me.
- -Walk past them with your noses in the air.
311
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,560
Bye, Mum.
312
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,080
There's only one thing
we have to fear, you sissies,
313
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:21,080
and it's not global warming,
and it's not nuclear Armageddon.
314
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,240
Can anyone here
tell me what it is?
315
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:25,880
Ha! You don't answer.
316
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,080
You don't answer,
because you know it's true.
317
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,040
They are hidden
in our midst.
318
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,680
I'm the thin red line that
stands between humanity
and the darkness.
319
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,320
-Yea, I'm talking about--
-Witches?
320
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,320
Aye, witches.
321
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,080
They lurk behind a facade
of righteousness.
322
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,320
And there's naebody
can stop them...
323
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,040
but me.
324
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,440
In the old days,
Witchfinders were respected.
325
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,320
Matthew Hopkins,
Witchfinder General...
326
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,080
...he used to charge each town
and village ninepence
327
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,080
for every witch he found.
328
00:18:58,160 --> 00:18:59,800
And they paid.
329
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,880
Are you, um,
Witchfinder General?
330
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,480
Oh, I am not.
331
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,920
There is no longer
a Witchfinder General.
332
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,960
Nor is there
a Witchfinder Colonel,
333
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:11,560
a Witchfinder Major,
not even a Witchfinder Captain.
334
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:15,320
There is, however,
a Witchfinder Sergeant.
335
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:16,920
And you're looking at him.
336
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,800
Well, pleased to meet you,
Mr Shadwell.
337
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,320
Um, cup of tea.
Nine sugars.
338
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,520
And a packet of cheese
and onion crisps.
339
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:26,920
Coming right up.
340
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,760
Get your wallet out,
laddie.
341
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,160
You never
want to appear tight-fisted
342
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,560
on first acquaintance.
343
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,320
- Thank you.
- And it's not "Mr Shadwell".
344
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,720
It's "Sergeant".
Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell.
345
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,680
What's your name, lad?
346
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,800
Newton.
Newton Pulsifer.
347
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,080
Pulsifer?
348
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,720
That's a familiar name,
now you mention it.
349
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,800
You have your own teeth?
350
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,480
Yes.
351
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,280
-How many nipples
have you got?
-What?
352
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,040
Nipples, laddie. How many?
353
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,920
Um, just the usual two.
354
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,520
Okay...
355
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,320
Be here at 11:00 tomorrow.
356
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:09,760
Bring scissors.
357
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,160
Just put it there.
Thanks so much.
358
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,640
What a gorgeous village, huh?
359
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:47,880
Thank you.
360
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:49,720
Hmm...
361
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:12,560
Right.
362
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:14,520
To work.
363
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,800
Easy job.
364
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,160
Deliver the Antichrist.
Keep an eye on him.
365
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,320
Nice, straightforward job, eh?
366
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,800
Not the kind of thing any demon
is going to screw up, right?
367
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:32,480
The only things in
the flat Crowley devotes
any personal attention to
368
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,320
are the houseplants.
369
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,560
He had heard about talking
to plants in the early '70s,
370
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,240
and thought it
an excellent idea.
371
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:44,920
Although "talking"
is perhaps the wrong word
for what Crowley does.
372
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,240
Is that a spot?
373
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,960
Is it?
374
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,840
Right, you know what I've told
you all about leaf spots.
375
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,880
I will not
stand for them!
376
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,080
You know what you've done.
377
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,040
You've disappointed me.
378
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,160
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
379
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,120
Everyone!
380
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,120
Say goodbye
to your friend.
381
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:21,800
He just couldn't cut it.
382
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:26,520
Now, this is going
to hurt you so much more
than it will hurt me.
383
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,800
And you guys,
grow better!
384
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:34,080
What he does
is put the fear
of God into them.
385
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,680
More precisely,
the fear of Crowley.
386
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,440
The plants are the most
luxurious,
387
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,200
verdant and beautiful
in London.
388
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,760
Also, the most terrified.
389
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,320
The Nice and Accurate
Prophecies of Agnes Nutter?
390
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,240
I'm so sorry,
I can't help you.
391
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,960
Well, of course
I know who she was.
392
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,160
Born 1600, exploded 1656.
393
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:19,160
But there are no copies
of her book available.
394
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,400
No, I can't name my price.
I don't have it.
395
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,160
Nobody has--
396
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:29,080
Well, there really is no need
for that kind of language.
397
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,240
Um, hello.
398
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:51,000
I'm here about the advert
in the paper.
399
00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:54,320
Well, Madame Tracy
draws aside the veil
400
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,600
every afternoon
except Thursdays.
401
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,160
I think there must
be another advert.
402
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,680
Oh, right.
403
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,560
Come in, dear. You're lucky.
404
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:08,000
One of my regulars
had to cancel.
405
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,720
Now, I don't do anything kinky
except by prior arrangement.
406
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:16,040
And my knees
aren't what they were.
407
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,040
Also, if it's strict discipline
you'll be wanting,
408
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,480
you'd better tell me now because
it can take me half an hour
409
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,040
to squeeze
into the leather pinny.
410
00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:26,880
I'm sorry?
411
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,400
Are you not here for intimate
personal relaxation
412
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,320
and stress relief
for the discerning gentleman?
413
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:36,000
No.
414
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,000
I'm here to join
the Witchfinder Army.
415
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:39,600
Oh!
416
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,240
Mr Shadwell said
he was expecting a visitor.
417
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,200
It's just been him
for so long.
418
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:52,760
Aye.
419
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,200
It's your new recruit,
Mr Shadwell, look.
420
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,200
Away with you, harlot.
421
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,800
Scarlet woman.
Jezebel.
422
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,760
Oh, Mr Shadwell.
423
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,080
I'll bring you both tea.
424
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,560
Milk and sugar, dear?
425
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,640
He's in the army now, Jezebel.
426
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,680
He'll make his own tea.
427
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,840
Welcome to the Witchfinder Army,
new recruit.
428
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:23,280
You are, as of now,
Witchfinder Private Pulsifer.
429
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,160
We used to be powerful.
430
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:27,520
We used to be
important.
431
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:29,960
-Oh.
-Condensed milk, lad.
432
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,600
-And I take--
-Nine sugars.
433
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,480
Exactly.
434
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,560
We were the line of fire
435
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,000
between the darkness
and the poor unsuspecting folk
436
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:40,520
who don't believe
in witches.
437
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:43,560
-Hmm!
-But, Sergeant Shadwell,
438
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,040
don't the churches
do that these days?
439
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,800
Nay, laddie.
440
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,720
Against the darkness?
441
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,280
It's a war.
442
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,240
And you know
what our first weapon is?
443
00:25:55,960 --> 00:26:00,680
Oh! The Thundergun of
Witchfinder Colonel "Get 'em
before they get you" Dalrymple?
444
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:02,000
Nay, laddie.
445
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,320
That'll never
be used again.
446
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,200
Not in this degenerate age.
447
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:08,960
Very good.
448
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:10,680
And you know
what we do with them?
449
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:16,160
No, lad.
450
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:20,920
We read.
451
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,640
And we cut.
452
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,640
Hey, this is Anthony Crowley.
453
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,600
You know what to do.
Do it with style.
454
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,720
No leads yet my end.
455
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,520
Anything at your end?
456
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,040
Listen, I have sort
of an idea.
457
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:41,040
What?
458
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,080
Ah, hello. When you did
the baby swap 11 years ago,
459
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:44,880
could something
have gone wrong?
460
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,200
What?
461
00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,600
-You've lost the boy.
-"We've" lost him.
462
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,520
A child has been lost.
463
00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,600
-But you still know his age--
-"We" know.
464
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,320
His birthday. He's 11.
465
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,160
-You make it sound easy.
-Well, it can't be that hard.
466
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,200
I just hope nothing's
happened to him.
467
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:07,680
Happened?
Nothing's happened to him.
468
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:09,240
He happens to everything.
469
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:13,320
So, we only have to find
his birth records.
470
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,160
Go through
the hospital files.
471
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,960
-And then what?
-And then we find the child.
472
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,880
And then what?
473
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,520
Watch out for that pedestrian.
474
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:24,880
She's on the street.
She knows the risk she's taking.
475
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:28,160
Just watch the--
Watch the road.
476
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,920
Wh-Where is this hospital,
anyway?
477
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,240
A village near Oxford,
Tadfield.
478
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,960
Crowley, you can't do 90 miles
per hour in Central London.
479
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,120
-Why not?
-You'll get us killed.
480
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:41,080
Well, inconveniently
discorporated.
481
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:46,240
Music. Why don't I put on
a little... music?
482
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:48,920
What's a Velvet Underground?
483
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,400
You wouldn't like it.
484
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,400
Oh. Bebop.
485
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,360
Yah!
486
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,320
I still can't believe
your dad let you keep him, Adam.
487
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,320
Actually, when I found a cat
488
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:08,600
we had to put up a notice
saying we found a lost cat,
489
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,480
and then we had
to give her back.
490
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,040
It's my birthday.
And he wasn't wearing a collar.
491
00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:15,080
And we asked, and nobody's
reported a missing dog.
492
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,360
Our dog doesn't like me.
It pretends I'm not there.
493
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:22,040
Did you know that my cousin
Charlotte says that in America,
494
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:26,640
they have shops that sell 39
different flavours of ice cream.
495
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:28,800
Wensleydale's
first name is Jeremy,
496
00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:30,920
but nobody's ever used it,
497
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,440
not even his parents,
who call him "Youngster".
498
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,280
All that stands between
Wensleydale
499
00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:39,440
and chartered accountancy
is time.
500
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,880
There aren't 39 different
flavours of ice cream.
Good Omens : S01E01 part2
501
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,520
The Russian cultural attaché's
black bread
502
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,840
is particularly sought after
by the more discerning duck.
503
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,440
Crowley and Aziraphale
have been meeting here
504
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,520
for quite some time.
505
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,680
You're sure it was
the Antichrist?
506
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,080
I should know.
I delivered the baby.
507
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,400
Well, not "delivered" delivered,
you know?
508
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,040
Handed it over.
509
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,240
An American diplomat.
510
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:19,720
Really?
511
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,040
As if Armageddon
were a cinematographic show
512
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,840
you wished to sell in
as many countries as possible.
513
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,320
The Earth and all
the kingdoms thereof.
514
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,440
We will win, of course.
515
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:31,680
You really believe that?
516
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,160
Obviously.
517
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:36,960
Heaven will finally
triumph over Hell.
518
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,680
It's all going to be
rather lovely.
519
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,520
Out of interest,
520
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,440
how many first-class composers
do your lot have in Heaven?
521
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:44,880
Because Mozart's
one of ours.
522
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:46,880
Beethoven.
523
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,200
Schubert.
524
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,640
Uh, all of the Bachs.
525
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,760
They have already written
their music.
526
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,120
And you'll never
hear it again.
527
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,760
No more Albert Hall.
No more Glyndebourne.
528
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,040
Just celestial harmonies.
529
00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,520
-Well...
-And that's just the start
530
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,280
of what you'll lose
if you win.
531
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:07,440
No more fascinating little
restaurants where they know you.
532
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,080
No gravlax
in dill sauce.
533
00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:13,680
No more old bookshops.
534
00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,760
We've only got 11 years,
and then it's all over.
535
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,560
We have to work together.
536
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,560
No.
537
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,440
It's the end of the world
we're talking about.
538
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,320
It's not some little temptation
I've asked you to cover for me
539
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,640
while you're up in Edinburgh
for the festival.
540
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:31,000
-You can't say no.
-No.
541
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:32,840
We can do something.
I have an idea.
542
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,480
No! I am not interested.
543
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,520
Well, let's have lunch, hmm?
544
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:40,880
I still owe you one from...
545
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:44,720
Paris.
546
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,000
1793.
547
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,440
Yes. The Reign of Terror.
548
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,600
Was that one of ours
or one of yours?
549
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:54,280
Can't recall.
550
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,840
We had crepes.
551
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:05,920
Mm.
552
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,440
That was scrumptious.
553
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,680
So, what are you
in the mood for now?
554
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,000
Alcohol.
555
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,160
Quite extraordinary
amounts of alcohol.
556
00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:21,000
I have several very nice bottles
557
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,280
of Châteauneuf-du-Pape
in the back.
558
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,480
I picked up a dozen cases
in 1921,
559
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,440
and there's still some left
for special occasions.
560
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,600
Not very big on wine in Heaven,
are they, though?
561
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,280
Not going to get
any more nice little
Châteauneuf-du-Papes
562
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,520
in Heaven,
or single malt scotch,
563
00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:42,680
or little... little froufrou
cocktails with umbrellas.
564
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,640
Crowley, I've told you,
I'm not helping you.
565
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:49,320
I'm not interested.
This is purely social.
566
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,400
I am an angel.
You are a demon.
567
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,920
We're hereditary enemies.
568
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:57,600
Get thee behind me,
foul fiend.
569
00:29:57,680 --> 00:29:59,600
After you.
570
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:01,640
That night,
Arthur and Deirdre Young
571
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:04,280
proudly took the baby
they believed was theirs
572
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:07,440
home to the quiet English
village of Tadfield.
573
00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:11,840
The Antichrist had been
on Earth for 24 hours.
574
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,040
While in London's Soho,
an angel and a demon
575
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:20,480
had been drinking solidly
for the last six of them.
576
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:27,520
So, what...
what exactly is your point?
577
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:28,800
My point is--
578
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,520
My point is, dolphins.
579
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:34,640
That's my point.
580
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,960
Big brains, the size of...
581
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:39,560
damn big brains.
582
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:43,440
Not to mention the whales.
Brain city, whales.
583
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:44,560
Kraken.
584
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:49,000
Ooh, great, big bugger.
585
00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:50,440
Supposed to rise up
to the surface.
586
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,360
Right... right up
at the end,
587
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:55,000
when the sea boils.
588
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,000
Well, that's my point.
589
00:30:58,080 --> 00:30:59,320
Whole sea bubbling.
590
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:00,720
The dolphins, the whales.
591
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:03,080
Everything turning
into bouillab--
592
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:05,360
Bouill-bouillab--
593
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,320
Bouillab--
594
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:09,160
Fish stew.
Anyway, it's not their fault.
595
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,720
And that's the same
with gorillas.
596
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:13,880
They say, like, "Whoop".
They say a lot of--
597
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,520
Sky's gone red.
There's...
598
00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:18,120
stars crashing down.
599
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:20,480
And what are they putting
in bananas these days?
600
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,760
They're All creatures,
great and small.
601
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:26,320
And you know
what's worse?
602
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:28,680
When it's all over,
603
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:34,200
you've got to deal
with eternity!
604
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,720
Eternity?
605
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,400
Yeah,
it won't be so bad at first.
606
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:39,840
Although no Stephen Sondheim
607
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,240
first nights in eternity,
I'm afraid.
608
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:45,400
Although, I have heard rumours
that your boss
609
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:49,040
really loves
The Sound of Music.
610
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:51,840
You fancy spending eternity
watching that?
611
00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:53,800
You could literally
climb every mountain
612
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,560
over and over and over and over
and over and over and over.
613
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,400
I don't like it
any more than you do,
614
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:03,720
but I told you, I can't diso--
not do what I'm told.
615
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,640
I'm an angel. I...
616
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,040
Oh, God, I--
617
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:08,640
I can't cope with this
while I'm drunk.
618
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,160
I'm going to sober up.
619
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:11,560
Yeah, me too.
620
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:30,200
Harriet Dowling took
baby Warlock to his new home,
621
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,480
an official London residence.
622
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,480
Our mission
is done, Lord Hastur.
623
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:44,840
The baby is in place,
624
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:47,520
and his parents
are none the wiser.
625
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,480
Well, no need for the convent
any longer, then, is there?
626
00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:51,280
- I'm afraid I--
- Dissolve.
627
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:53,520
-What?
-Your order is dissolved.
628
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:55,600
-We're what?
-Now hang on a moment.
629
00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,320
We did everything
that was asked of us.
630
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:58,560
What about our reward?
631
00:32:58,640 --> 00:32:59,760
So irritating.
632
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:01,280
You never shut up, do you?
633
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:02,640
We are a chattering order.
634
00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:04,000
We say what is on
our minds.
635
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:05,320
And right now,
what's on my mind
636
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,920
is that you can't
treat us like--
637
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:09,560
Would you like to tell them
638
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,200
that the order
is dissolved?
639
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,840
Or would you rather that
they all perish in the fire?
640
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,040
What fire?
641
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:36,920
Even if I wanted to help,
I couldn't.
642
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,160
I can't interfere
with the Divine Plan.
643
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,080
Well, what about
diabolical plans?
644
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:44,680
You can't be certain
that thwarting me
645
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,360
isn't part
of the Divine Plan, too.
646
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,200
I mean, you're supposed
to thwart the wiles
647
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:52,360
of the Evil One
at every turn, aren't you?
648
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:53,880
Well...
649
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:57,080
See a wile, ya' thwart.
Am I right?
650
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,960
I... Broadly.
651
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,200
Actually, I encourage humans
to do the actual--
652
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,560
But the Antichrist
has been born.
653
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,840
But it's the upbringing
that's important,
the influences.
654
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:09,960
The evil influences,
655
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,120
that's all
going to be me.
656
00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:16,920
It'd be too bad if someone
made sure that I failed.
657
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:26,000
If you put it that way...
658
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:29,840
Heaven couldn't actually object
if I was thwarting you.
659
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,880
No. Be a real feather
in your wing.
660
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,280
We'd be godfathers,
sort of,
661
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:48,520
overseeing
his upbringing.
662
00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:49,880
We do it right,
he won't be evil.
663
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,880
Or good.
He'll just be normal.
664
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:54,760
It might work.
665
00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:58,640
Godfathers.
666
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:00,680
Well, I'll be damned.
667
00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:03,680
It's not that bad
when you get used to it.
668
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,360
I understand you need a nanny.
669
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:23,880
They do say as you might
be looking for a gardener.
670
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:33,320
Oh! Young master Warlock!
671
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:36,160
You're growing fast.
672
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:37,920
You must be all of, um...
673
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,440
Five. I'm five.
674
00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:43,200
What's that?
675
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:45,160
Oh, that's Brother Pigeon.
676
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:49,400
And Brother Snail.
677
00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:52,600
Oh, and Sister Slug.
678
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:58,000
Now, you remember,
young Warlock,
679
00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:00,120
as you grow,
680
00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:03,840
to have love and reverence
681
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:06,320
for all living things.
682
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:08,200
Nanny says living things
683
00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:12,160
are only fit to be ground
under my heels, Brother Francis.
684
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:15,480
Well, don't you listen to her.
685
00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:17,680
You listen to me.
686
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,080
Will you sing me
a lullaby, nanny?
687
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:29,920
Of course, dear.
688
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:05,880
The gardener says that I must be
kind and nice to everybody.
689
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,640
Even Sister Slug.
690
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,360
And not ever
destroy the Earth.
691
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:14,360
Don't listen to him.
692
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,760
Listen to me.
693
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:20,200
There are many doors
that will take you to
Heaven or to Hell.
694
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:23,520
But when Crowley and Aziraphale
report in an official capacity
695
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,560
to their respective
head offices,
696
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,760
they take the main entrance.
697
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:38,080
Tell us about the boy, Warlock.
698
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:40,360
He's a remarkable child,
Lord Beelzebub.
699
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:43,920
-But is he evil?
-Fantastically evil.
700
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,280
Killed anyone yet?
701
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:47,880
Uh... not yet,
702
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:49,480
but there's more to evil
than just killing people, eh?
703
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:52,080
I suppose.
704
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:53,600
But it's fun.
705
00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,160
Have you encountered
any problems from the...
706
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:58,160
...opposition?
707
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,640
They don't suspect a thing.
708
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:04,600
I am proud to say
709
00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:06,800
that on a very real level,
710
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:08,280
the Antichrist child
711
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:12,560
is now being influenced
towards the light.
712
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,160
Very commendable,
Aziraphale.
713
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,760
-Excellent work, as usual.
-Yes.
714
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:19,400
But, Aziraphale,
we will be most understanding
715
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:21,520
when you fail.
716
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,920
After all, wars are to be won.
717
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,160
Not avoided.
718
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:27,920
But I won't fail.
719
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:29,640
I mean, that would be bad.
720
00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:33,280
Aziraphale, what you're doing
is praiseworthy,
721
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,960
but obviously doomed
to failure.
722
00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:41,800
Still, as the Almighty
likes to say,
723
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,400
"Climb every mountain."
724
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:48,760
"Ford every stream."
725
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:03,560
The boy's too normal.
726
00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:05,560
Excellent.
It's working.
727
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,480
The heavenly influences
are balancing out the hellish.
728
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:09,680
A no-score draw.
729
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:11,400
I hope you're right.
730
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:13,120
Only six years left to go.
731
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:14,840
-Crowley.
-Yeah?
732
00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:19,480
I mean, if he comes
into his full power,
733
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:21,840
how do we stop him then?
734
00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:25,880
I'm sure it won't
come to that.
735
00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,640
- He's big.
- -He's the biggest we've got.
736
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:57,640
Only the best for our young
master-to-be.
737
00:39:57,680 --> 00:39:59,360
Do you think he's hungry?
738
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,040
Only one way to find out.
739
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,560
You. Get in there.
740
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:06,680
-Me?
-Yes, yes, you.
741
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:12,880
Watch out for his teeth.
742
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:14,520
Ooh.
743
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:20,280
It's not like you didn't tell
him to look out for the teeth.
744
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,520
I think he was hungry.
745
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:26,520
Warlock, are you
listening to me, honey?
746
00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:28,640
Look what they used to think
dinosaurs looked like.
747
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,120
-Whatever.
-They're old and educational.
748
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:32,640
-It's dumb.
-It's not dumb, sweetie.
749
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,400
-It's a dinosaur.
-Dumbasaur, more like.
750
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,960
Can we talk about
my birthday party?
751
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:41,400
Why can't we have my party
in an escape room?
752
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:42,960
Honey, for the last time,
753
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:44,120
we've already hired a...
754
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:45,800
But, Mom...
755
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:47,880
Well, we've
done everything we can.
756
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:52,000
All we can do now
is wait for his birthday.
757
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:53,680
The Hell Hound
will be the key.
758
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,120
Shows up at 3:00
on Wednesday.
759
00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:58,120
Right.
760
00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:00,760
You've never actually
mentioned a Hell Hound before.
761
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:02,560
Oh, yeah.
762
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:04,160
Yeah, they're sending him
a Hell Hound
763
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:07,640
to pad by his side
and guard him from all harm.
764
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,840
-Oh.
-Biggest one they've got.
765
00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:11,640
Won't people remark
on the sudden appearance
766
00:41:11,680 --> 00:41:13,160
of a huge black dog?
767
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:14,960
His parents,
for a start?
768
00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:19,280
No one will notice anything.
It's reality, angel.
769
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:21,560
And young Warlock can do
what he likes with that,
770
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:24,880
whether he knows it or not.
771
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,400
It's the start of it all.
The boy's meant to name it.
772
00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:30,880
Um... Stalks by Night,
Throat-Ripper,
something like that.
773
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,080
But if you and I
have done our job properly,
774
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:37,440
then he'll send it away
unnamed.
775
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,280
What if he does name it?
776
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:40,960
Then you and I have lost,
he'll have all his powers,
777
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,600
and Armageddon
will be days away.
778
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,360
There must be some way
of stopping it.
779
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:50,160
If there was no boy...
780
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:51,800
then the process would stop.
781
00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,480
Yes, but there is a boy.
He's over there,
782
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:57,440
writing a rude word
on a description of a dinosaur.
783
00:41:57,520 --> 00:41:58,840
Well, there is a boy now.
784
00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:01,080
That could change.
785
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:06,000
Something could happen to him.
786
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:09,520
I'm saying
you could kill him.
787
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:17,800
I've never actually...
killed anything.
788
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:23,200
I don't think I could.
789
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:28,080
Not even to save
everything?
790
00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:31,400
One life...
791
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,640
against the universe.
792
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,280
Then, this Hell Hound,
793
00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:42,880
it'll show up
at his birthday party?
794
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:44,760
-Yeah.
-Well, then we should be there.
795
00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:49,640
Maybe I can stop the dog.
In fact, I could entertain.
796
00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:51,080
No, no, no.
Please, no. No.
797
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:52,480
I just need to get back
into practice.
798
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,600
Oh, no, no.
Don't do your magic act.
799
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:57,080
- Please. Please!
I'm actually begging you.
800
00:42:57,160 --> 00:42:59,960
- You have no idea how
demeaning that is. Please.
801
00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:03,880
-In your finger.
-No, it was in your ear.
802
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,840
-It was in your pocket.
-It was close to your ear.
803
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:08,640
Never anywhere
near my ear.
804
00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:09,760
You're no fun.
805
00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:11,160
-Fun?
-Yes.
806
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,160
It's humiliating.
807
00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,400
You can do proper magic.
808
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:15,840
You can make things
disappear.
809
00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:17,040
But it's not as fun.
810
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,520
Make you disappear.
811
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:21,200
Where has he got to?
812
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:24,160
Is he in here... somewhere?
813
00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,800
There he is! Ha! This--
814
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,280
We'll come back to that one.
815
00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:31,040
You see, it's me old top hat.
816
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:32,640
But, wait.
817
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,280
What's this?
818
00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:39,800
Could it be
819
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:41,760
our old furry friend,
820
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:45,680
Harry the Rabbit?
821
00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:47,360
It was in the table.
822
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:50,320
You said there was gonna be
a celebrity magician.
823
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,800
I had Penn and Teller at my
party, and I had a silent disco,
824
00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:55,760
-and I got a--
-You're rubbish.
825
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,240
Excuse me, excuse me.
826
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:01,880
He's right, you know.
You are actually rubbish.
827
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:05,000
Five, four,
828
00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:08,760
three, two, one.
829
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:11,560
The time is upon us.
830
00:44:11,640 --> 00:44:13,720
As soon as the boy
names the Hound,
831
00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:16,080
Armageddon will begin.
832
00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:21,640
Go. Find your master.
833
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:28,320
He's not back yet?
834
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:30,560
He's down in Hogback Wood,
playing with his friends.
835
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:32,440
I've told him to be home
by teatime.
836
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:35,040
Right, well, give me a shout
when he gets back,
837
00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:38,240
then we can
light the candles.
838
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:55,320
That was the best
11th birthday ever.
839
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:57,200
It was all a bit of a disaster,
I'm afraid.
840
00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:59,600
Nonsense. You gave them all
a party to remember.
841
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:02,440
Last one any of them
will ever have, mind.
842
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:03,840
It's late.
843
00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:05,600
Comes of putting it
up your sleeve.
844
00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:07,880
No.
845
00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:10,840
The Hell Hound.
846
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:12,760
It's late.
847
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,920
...Isle of
Skye, and your time starts--
848
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:19,480
Hello, Crowley.
- Uh, hi. Who's this?
849
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:21,800
Dagon, Lord of the Files,
850
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:23,520
Master of Torments.
851
00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:25,880
Yeah, just checking in
about the Hell Hound.
852
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:27,440
He should be with you by now.
853
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:30,640
Why? Has something
gone wrong, Crowley?
854
00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:33,280
Wrong? No, no. Nothing's wrong.
What could be wrong?
855
00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:35,000
Oh, no, I see him now, yes.
856
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:37,600
What a lovely,
big helly Hell Hound.
857
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:39,960
Yes, OK,
great talking to you.
858
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:42,760
No dog.
859
00:45:44,080 --> 00:45:45,600
No dog.
860
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:47,880
Wrong boy.
861
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:52,240
Wrong boy.
862
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:55,480
The right boy was playing
in the woods with his friends.
863
00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:57,720
After all,
it was his birthday.
864
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,600
Hogback Wood
was their Eden,
865
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:02,360
where they could play
unbothered by adults.
866
00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:05,120
The children called themselves
the "Them".
867
00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:08,880
Pepper and Brian,
Wensleydale,
868
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:12,560
and the birthday boy, their
leader, who found their den
869
00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:16,560
and invented the best games
of all... Adam.
870
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:28,800
It's my birthday.
Of course, I'm gonna get a dog.
871
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:30,160
You never get what you want.
872
00:46:30,240 --> 00:46:33,240
I wanted a bike,
and I asked for it.
873
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:35,440
And I told them I wanted
a razor blade saddle,
874
00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:37,680
and 12 gears and everything.
875
00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:38,880
And do you know
what they got me?
876
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:41,440
A girl's bike.
With a basket.
877
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:43,720
But you are actually
a girl, Pepper.
878
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:45,120
That's just sexist.
879
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:47,080
I want a dog.
880
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:48,960
Oh, right. And your mum and dad
881
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:51,160
are just going to get you a big
old Rotten-weiler, then, Adam?
882
00:46:51,240 --> 00:46:52,200
I don't want a big dog.
883
00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:57,680
I want the kind of dog you can
have fun with. A little dog.
884
00:46:57,760 --> 00:46:59,600
I want a dog that's brilliantly
intelligent,
885
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:02,480
and can go down rabbit holes,
and I can teach tricks.
886
00:47:02,560 --> 00:47:04,640
And I'll call him...
887
00:47:04,720 --> 00:47:07,480
And this is the moment.
The naming.
888
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:10,760
This will give it its purpose,
its function, its identity.
889
00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:15,000
This is the moment that sets
Armageddon into motion.
890
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,920
The Hell Hound growls a low,
rumbling snarl
891
00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:21,280
of spring-coiled menace.
892
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:23,320
The sort of growl that starts
in the back of one throat
893
00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:26,040
and ends up deep
in someone else's.
894
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:27,360
I think I'll call him "Dog".
895
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:33,440
Saves a lot of trouble,
a name like that.
896
00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:35,080
And, what, this dog's
just gonna turn up?
897
00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:36,600
Maybe.
898
00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:43,240
Here, boy. Come on.
899
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:03,600
Armageddon is days away,
900
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,760
and we've lost the Antichrist.
901
00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:09,920
Why did the powers of Hell have
to drag me into this anyway?
902
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:11,880
Well, don't quote me on this,
but I'm pretty sure
903
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:13,800
it's because of all those memos
you kept sending them,
904
00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:16,160
saying how amazingly well
you were doing.
905
00:48:16,240 --> 00:48:17,840
Is it my fault
they never check-up?
906
00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:20,960
I'm to blame
they never check-up?
907
00:48:21,040 --> 00:48:23,960
Everyone stretches the truth
a bit in memos to head office.
908
00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:25,400
-You know that.
-Yes, but you told them
909
00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:27,240
you invented
the Spanish Inquisition
910
00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:29,480
and started
the Second World War.
911
00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:32,080
So the humans beat me to it.
That's not my fault.
912
00:48:34,520 --> 00:48:36,040
Something's changed.
913
00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:37,720
Oh, it's a new cologne.
My barber suggested it.
914
00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:39,960
Not you.
I know what you smell like.
915
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:45,800
The Hell Hound
has found its master.
916
00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:47,040
Are you sure?
917
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:49,440
I felt it.
Would I lie to you?
918
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:51,320
Well, obviously. You're a demon.
That's what you do.
919
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:54,000
No, I'm not lying.
The boy, wherever he is,
920
00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:56,320
has the dog.
921
00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:58,240
He's named it.
It's done.
922
00:48:58,320 --> 00:49:00,160
He's coming into his power.
923
00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:02,760
We're doomed.
924
00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:04,960
Well, then...
925
00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:08,320
welcome to the end times.
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,520
The Russian cultural attaché's
black bread
502
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,840
is particularly sought after
by the more discerning duck.
503
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,440
Crowley and Aziraphale
have been meeting here
504
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,520
for quite some time.
505
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,680
You're sure it was
the Antichrist?
506
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,080
I should know.
I delivered the baby.
507
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,400
Well, not "delivered" delivered,
you know?
508
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,040
Handed it over.
509
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,240
An American diplomat.
510
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:19,720
Really?
511
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,040
As if Armageddon
were a cinematographic show
512
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,840
you wished to sell in
as many countries as possible.
513
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,320
The Earth and all
the kingdoms thereof.
514
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,440
We will win, of course.
515
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:31,680
You really believe that?
516
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,160
Obviously.
517
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:36,960
Heaven will finally
triumph over Hell.
518
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,680
It's all going to be
rather lovely.
519
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,520
Out of interest,
520
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,440
how many first-class composers
do your lot have in Heaven?
521
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:44,880
Because Mozart's
one of ours.
522
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:46,880
Beethoven.
523
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,200
Schubert.
524
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,640
Uh, all of the Bachs.
525
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,760
They have already written
their music.
526
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,120
And you'll never
hear it again.
527
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,760
No more Albert Hall.
No more Glyndebourne.
528
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,040
Just celestial harmonies.
529
00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,520
-Well...
-And that's just the start
530
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,280
of what you'll lose
if you win.
531
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:07,440
No more fascinating little
restaurants where they know you.
532
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,080
No gravlax
in dill sauce.
533
00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:13,680
No more old bookshops.
534
00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,760
We've only got 11 years,
and then it's all over.
535
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,560
We have to work together.
536
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,560
No.
537
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,440
It's the end of the world
we're talking about.
538
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,320
It's not some little temptation
I've asked you to cover for me
539
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,640
while you're up in Edinburgh
for the festival.
540
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:31,000
-You can't say no.
-No.
541
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:32,840
We can do something.
I have an idea.
542
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,480
No! I am not interested.
543
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,520
Well, let's have lunch, hmm?
544
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:40,880
I still owe you one from...
545
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:44,720
Paris.
546
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,000
1793.
547
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,440
Yes. The Reign of Terror.
548
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,600
Was that one of ours
or one of yours?
549
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:54,280
Can't recall.
550
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,840
We had crepes.
551
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:05,920
Mm.
552
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,440
That was scrumptious.
553
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,680
So, what are you
in the mood for now?
554
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,000
Alcohol.
555
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,160
Quite extraordinary
amounts of alcohol.
556
00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:21,000
I have several very nice bottles
557
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,280
of Châteauneuf-du-Pape
in the back.
558
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,480
I picked up a dozen cases
in 1921,
559
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,440
and there's still some left
for special occasions.
560
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,600
Not very big on wine in Heaven,
are they, though?
561
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,280
Not going to get
any more nice little
Châteauneuf-du-Papes
562
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,520
in Heaven,
or single malt scotch,
563
00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:42,680
or little... little froufrou
cocktails with umbrellas.
564
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,640
Crowley, I've told you,
I'm not helping you.
565
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:49,320
I'm not interested.
This is purely social.
566
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,400
I am an angel.
You are a demon.
567
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,920
We're hereditary enemies.
568
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:57,600
Get thee behind me,
foul fiend.
569
00:29:57,680 --> 00:29:59,600
After you.
570
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:01,640
That night,
Arthur and Deirdre Young
571
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:04,280
proudly took the baby
they believed was theirs
572
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:07,440
home to the quiet English
village of Tadfield.
573
00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:11,840
The Antichrist had been
on Earth for 24 hours.
574
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,040
While in London's Soho,
an angel and a demon
575
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:20,480
had been drinking solidly
for the last six of them.
576
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:27,520
So, what...
what exactly is your point?
577
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:28,800
My point is--
578
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,520
My point is, dolphins.
579
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:34,640
That's my point.
580
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,960
Big brains, the size of...
581
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:39,560
damn big brains.
582
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:43,440
Not to mention the whales.
Brain city, whales.
583
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:44,560
Kraken.
584
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:49,000
Ooh, great, big bugger.
585
00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:50,440
Supposed to rise up
to the surface.
586
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,360
Right... right up
at the end,
587
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:55,000
when the sea boils.
588
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,000
Well, that's my point.
589
00:30:58,080 --> 00:30:59,320
Whole sea bubbling.
590
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:00,720
The dolphins, the whales.
591
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:03,080
Everything turning
into bouillab--
592
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:05,360
Bouill-bouillab--
593
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,320
Bouillab--
594
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:09,160
Fish stew.
Anyway, it's not their fault.
595
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,720
And that's the same
with gorillas.
596
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:13,880
They say, like, "Whoop".
They say a lot of--
597
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,520
Sky's gone red.
There's...
598
00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:18,120
stars crashing down.
599
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:20,480
And what are they putting
in bananas these days?
600
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,760
They're All creatures,
great and small.
601
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:26,320
And you know
what's worse?
602
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:28,680
When it's all over,
603
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:34,200
you've got to deal
with eternity!
604
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,720
Eternity?
605
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,400
Yeah,
it won't be so bad at first.
606
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:39,840
Although no Stephen Sondheim
607
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,240
first nights in eternity,
I'm afraid.
608
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:45,400
Although, I have heard rumours
that your boss
609
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:49,040
really loves
The Sound of Music.
610
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:51,840
You fancy spending eternity
watching that?
611
00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:53,800
You could literally
climb every mountain
612
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,560
over and over and over and over
and over and over and over.
613
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,400
I don't like it
any more than you do,
614
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:03,720
but I told you, I can't diso--
not do what I'm told.
615
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,640
I'm an angel. I...
616
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,040
Oh, God, I--
617
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:08,640
I can't cope with this
while I'm drunk.
618
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,160
I'm going to sober up.
619
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:11,560
Yeah, me too.
620
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:30,200
Harriet Dowling took
baby Warlock to his new home,
621
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,480
an official London residence.
622
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,480
Our mission
is done, Lord Hastur.
623
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:44,840
The baby is in place,
624
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:47,520
and his parents
are none the wiser.
625
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,480
Well, no need for the convent
any longer, then, is there?
626
00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:51,280
- I'm afraid I--
- Dissolve.
627
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:53,520
-What?
-Your order is dissolved.
628
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:55,600
-We're what?
-Now hang on a moment.
629
00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,320
We did everything
that was asked of us.
630
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:58,560
What about our reward?
631
00:32:58,640 --> 00:32:59,760
So irritating.
632
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:01,280
You never shut up, do you?
633
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:02,640
We are a chattering order.
634
00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:04,000
We say what is on
our minds.
635
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:05,320
And right now,
what's on my mind
636
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,920
is that you can't
treat us like--
637
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:09,560
Would you like to tell them
638
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,200
that the order
is dissolved?
639
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,840
Or would you rather that
they all perish in the fire?
640
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,040
What fire?
641
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:36,920
Even if I wanted to help,
I couldn't.
642
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,160
I can't interfere
with the Divine Plan.
643
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,080
Well, what about
diabolical plans?
644
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:44,680
You can't be certain
that thwarting me
645
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,360
isn't part
of the Divine Plan, too.
646
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,200
I mean, you're supposed
to thwart the wiles
647
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:52,360
of the Evil One
at every turn, aren't you?
648
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:53,880
Well...
649
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:57,080
See a wile, ya' thwart.
Am I right?
650
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,960
I... Broadly.
651
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,200
Actually, I encourage humans
to do the actual--
652
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,560
But the Antichrist
has been born.
653
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,840
But it's the upbringing
that's important,
the influences.
654
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:09,960
The evil influences,
655
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,120
that's all
going to be me.
656
00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:16,920
It'd be too bad if someone
made sure that I failed.
657
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:26,000
If you put it that way...
658
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:29,840
Heaven couldn't actually object
if I was thwarting you.
659
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,880
No. Be a real feather
in your wing.
660
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,280
We'd be godfathers,
sort of,
661
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:48,520
overseeing
his upbringing.
662
00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:49,880
We do it right,
he won't be evil.
663
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,880
Or good.
He'll just be normal.
664
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:54,760
It might work.
665
00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:58,640
Godfathers.
666
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:00,680
Well, I'll be damned.
667
00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:03,680
It's not that bad
when you get used to it.
668
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,360
I understand you need a nanny.
669
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:23,880
They do say as you might
be looking for a gardener.
670
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:33,320
Oh! Young master Warlock!
671
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:36,160
You're growing fast.
672
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:37,920
You must be all of, um...
673
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,440
Five. I'm five.
674
00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:43,200
What's that?
675
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:45,160
Oh, that's Brother Pigeon.
676
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:49,400
And Brother Snail.
677
00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:52,600
Oh, and Sister Slug.
678
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:58,000
Now, you remember,
young Warlock,
679
00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:00,120
as you grow,
680
00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:03,840
to have love and reverence
681
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:06,320
for all living things.
682
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:08,200
Nanny says living things
683
00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:12,160
are only fit to be ground
under my heels, Brother Francis.
684
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:15,480
Well, don't you listen to her.
685
00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:17,680
You listen to me.
686
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,080
Will you sing me
a lullaby, nanny?
687
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:29,920
Of course, dear.
688
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:05,880
The gardener says that I must be
kind and nice to everybody.
689
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,640
Even Sister Slug.
690
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,360
And not ever
destroy the Earth.
691
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:14,360
Don't listen to him.
692
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,760
Listen to me.
693
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:20,200
There are many doors
that will take you to
Heaven or to Hell.
694
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:23,520
But when Crowley and Aziraphale
report in an official capacity
695
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,560
to their respective
head offices,
696
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,760
they take the main entrance.
697
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:38,080
Tell us about the boy, Warlock.
698
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:40,360
He's a remarkable child,
Lord Beelzebub.
699
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:43,920
-But is he evil?
-Fantastically evil.
700
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,280
Killed anyone yet?
701
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:47,880
Uh... not yet,
702
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:49,480
but there's more to evil
than just killing people, eh?
703
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:52,080
I suppose.
704
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:53,600
But it's fun.
705
00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,160
Have you encountered
any problems from the...
706
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:58,160
...opposition?
707
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,640
They don't suspect a thing.
708
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:04,600
I am proud to say
709
00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:06,800
that on a very real level,
710
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:08,280
the Antichrist child
711
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:12,560
is now being influenced
towards the light.
712
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,160
Very commendable,
Aziraphale.
713
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,760
-Excellent work, as usual.
-Yes.
714
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:19,400
But, Aziraphale,
we will be most understanding
715
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:21,520
when you fail.
716
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,920
After all, wars are to be won.
717
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,160
Not avoided.
718
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:27,920
But I won't fail.
719
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:29,640
I mean, that would be bad.
720
00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:33,280
Aziraphale, what you're doing
is praiseworthy,
721
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,960
but obviously doomed
to failure.
722
00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:41,800
Still, as the Almighty
likes to say,
723
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,400
"Climb every mountain."
724
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:48,760
"Ford every stream."
725
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:03,560
The boy's too normal.
726
00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:05,560
Excellent.
It's working.
727
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,480
The heavenly influences
are balancing out the hellish.
728
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:09,680
A no-score draw.
729
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:11,400
I hope you're right.
730
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:13,120
Only six years left to go.
731
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:14,840
-Crowley.
-Yeah?
732
00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:19,480
I mean, if he comes
into his full power,
733
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:21,840
how do we stop him then?
734
00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:25,880
I'm sure it won't
come to that.
735
00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,640
- He's big.
- -He's the biggest we've got.
736
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:57,640
Only the best for our young
master-to-be.
737
00:39:57,680 --> 00:39:59,360
Do you think he's hungry?
738
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,040
Only one way to find out.
739
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,560
You. Get in there.
740
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:06,680
-Me?
-Yes, yes, you.
741
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:12,880
Watch out for his teeth.
742
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:14,520
Ooh.
743
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:20,280
It's not like you didn't tell
him to look out for the teeth.
744
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,520
I think he was hungry.
745
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:26,520
Warlock, are you
listening to me, honey?
746
00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:28,640
Look what they used to think
dinosaurs looked like.
747
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,120
-Whatever.
-They're old and educational.
748
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:32,640
-It's dumb.
-It's not dumb, sweetie.
749
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,400
-It's a dinosaur.
-Dumbasaur, more like.
750
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,960
Can we talk about
my birthday party?
751
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:41,400
Why can't we have my party
in an escape room?
752
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:42,960
Honey, for the last time,
753
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:44,120
we've already hired a...
754
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:45,800
But, Mom...
755
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:47,880
Well, we've
done everything we can.
756
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:52,000
All we can do now
is wait for his birthday.
757
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:53,680
The Hell Hound
will be the key.
758
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,120
Shows up at 3:00
on Wednesday.
759
00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:58,120
Right.
760
00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:00,760
You've never actually
mentioned a Hell Hound before.
761
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:02,560
Oh, yeah.
762
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:04,160
Yeah, they're sending him
a Hell Hound
763
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:07,640
to pad by his side
and guard him from all harm.
764
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,840
-Oh.
-Biggest one they've got.
765
00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:11,640
Won't people remark
on the sudden appearance
766
00:41:11,680 --> 00:41:13,160
of a huge black dog?
767
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:14,960
His parents,
for a start?
768
00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:19,280
No one will notice anything.
It's reality, angel.
769
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:21,560
And young Warlock can do
what he likes with that,
770
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:24,880
whether he knows it or not.
771
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,400
It's the start of it all.
The boy's meant to name it.
772
00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:30,880
Um... Stalks by Night,
Throat-Ripper,
something like that.
773
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,080
But if you and I
have done our job properly,
774
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:37,440
then he'll send it away
unnamed.
775
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,280
What if he does name it?
776
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:40,960
Then you and I have lost,
he'll have all his powers,
777
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,600
and Armageddon
will be days away.
778
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,360
There must be some way
of stopping it.
779
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:50,160
If there was no boy...
780
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:51,800
then the process would stop.
781
00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,480
Yes, but there is a boy.
He's over there,
782
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:57,440
writing a rude word
on a description of a dinosaur.
783
00:41:57,520 --> 00:41:58,840
Well, there is a boy now.
784
00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:01,080
That could change.
785
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:06,000
Something could happen to him.
786
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:09,520
I'm saying
you could kill him.
787
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:17,800
I've never actually...
killed anything.
788
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:23,200
I don't think I could.
789
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:28,080
Not even to save
everything?
790
00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:31,400
One life...
791
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,640
against the universe.
792
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,280
Then, this Hell Hound,
793
00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:42,880
it'll show up
at his birthday party?
794
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:44,760
-Yeah.
-Well, then we should be there.
795
00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:49,640
Maybe I can stop the dog.
In fact, I could entertain.
796
00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:51,080
No, no, no.
Please, no. No.
797
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:52,480
I just need to get back
into practice.
798
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,600
Oh, no, no.
Don't do your magic act.
799
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:57,080
- Please. Please!
I'm actually begging you.
800
00:42:57,160 --> 00:42:59,960
- You have no idea how
demeaning that is. Please.
801
00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:03,880
-In your finger.
-No, it was in your ear.
802
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,840
-It was in your pocket.
-It was close to your ear.
803
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:08,640
Never anywhere
near my ear.
804
00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:09,760
You're no fun.
805
00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:11,160
-Fun?
-Yes.
806
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,160
It's humiliating.
807
00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,400
You can do proper magic.
808
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:15,840
You can make things
disappear.
809
00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:17,040
But it's not as fun.
810
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,520
Make you disappear.
811
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:21,200
Where has he got to?
812
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:24,160
Is he in here... somewhere?
813
00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,800
There he is! Ha! This--
814
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,280
We'll come back to that one.
815
00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:31,040
You see, it's me old top hat.
816
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:32,640
But, wait.
817
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,280
What's this?
818
00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:39,800
Could it be
819
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:41,760
our old furry friend,
820
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:45,680
Harry the Rabbit?
821
00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:47,360
It was in the table.
822
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:50,320
You said there was gonna be
a celebrity magician.
823
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,800
I had Penn and Teller at my
party, and I had a silent disco,
824
00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:55,760
-and I got a--
-You're rubbish.
825
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,240
Excuse me, excuse me.
826
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:01,880
He's right, you know.
You are actually rubbish.
827
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:05,000
Five, four,
828
00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:08,760
three, two, one.
829
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:11,560
The time is upon us.
830
00:44:11,640 --> 00:44:13,720
As soon as the boy
names the Hound,
831
00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:16,080
Armageddon will begin.
832
00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:21,640
Go. Find your master.
833
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:28,320
He's not back yet?
834
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:30,560
He's down in Hogback Wood,
playing with his friends.
835
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:32,440
I've told him to be home
by teatime.
836
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:35,040
Right, well, give me a shout
when he gets back,
837
00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:38,240
then we can
light the candles.
838
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:55,320
That was the best
11th birthday ever.
839
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:57,200
It was all a bit of a disaster,
I'm afraid.
840
00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:59,600
Nonsense. You gave them all
a party to remember.
841
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:02,440
Last one any of them
will ever have, mind.
842
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:03,840
It's late.
843
00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:05,600
Comes of putting it
up your sleeve.
844
00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:07,880
No.
845
00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:10,840
The Hell Hound.
846
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:12,760
It's late.
847
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,920
...Isle of
Skye, and your time starts--
848
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:19,480
Hello, Crowley.
- Uh, hi. Who's this?
849
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:21,800
Dagon, Lord of the Files,
850
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:23,520
Master of Torments.
851
00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:25,880
Yeah, just checking in
about the Hell Hound.
852
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:27,440
He should be with you by now.
853
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:30,640
Why? Has something
gone wrong, Crowley?
854
00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:33,280
Wrong? No, no. Nothing's wrong.
What could be wrong?
855
00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:35,000
Oh, no, I see him now, yes.
856
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:37,600
What a lovely,
big helly Hell Hound.
857
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:39,960
Yes, OK,
great talking to you.
858
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:42,760
No dog.
859
00:45:44,080 --> 00:45:45,600
No dog.
860
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:47,880
Wrong boy.
861
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:52,240
Wrong boy.
862
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:55,480
The right boy was playing
in the woods with his friends.
863
00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:57,720
After all,
it was his birthday.
864
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,600
Hogback Wood
was their Eden,
865
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:02,360
where they could play
unbothered by adults.
866
00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:05,120
The children called themselves
the "Them".
867
00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:08,880
Pepper and Brian,
Wensleydale,
868
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:12,560
and the birthday boy, their
leader, who found their den
869
00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:16,560
and invented the best games
of all... Adam.
870
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:28,800
It's my birthday.
Of course, I'm gonna get a dog.
871
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:30,160
You never get what you want.
872
00:46:30,240 --> 00:46:33,240
I wanted a bike,
and I asked for it.
873
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:35,440
And I told them I wanted
a razor blade saddle,
874
00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:37,680
and 12 gears and everything.
875
00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:38,880
And do you know
what they got me?
876
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:41,440
A girl's bike.
With a basket.
877
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:43,720
But you are actually
a girl, Pepper.
878
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:45,120
That's just sexist.
879
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:47,080
I want a dog.
880
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:48,960
Oh, right. And your mum and dad
881
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:51,160
are just going to get you a big
old Rotten-weiler, then, Adam?
882
00:46:51,240 --> 00:46:52,200
I don't want a big dog.
883
00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:57,680
I want the kind of dog you can
have fun with. A little dog.
884
00:46:57,760 --> 00:46:59,600
I want a dog that's brilliantly
intelligent,
885
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:02,480
and can go down rabbit holes,
and I can teach tricks.
886
00:47:02,560 --> 00:47:04,640
And I'll call him...
887
00:47:04,720 --> 00:47:07,480
And this is the moment.
The naming.
888
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:10,760
This will give it its purpose,
its function, its identity.
889
00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:15,000
This is the moment that sets
Armageddon into motion.
890
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,920
The Hell Hound growls a low,
rumbling snarl
891
00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:21,280
of spring-coiled menace.
892
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:23,320
The sort of growl that starts
in the back of one throat
893
00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:26,040
and ends up deep
in someone else's.
894
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:27,360
I think I'll call him "Dog".
895
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:33,440
Saves a lot of trouble,
a name like that.
896
00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:35,080
And, what, this dog's
just gonna turn up?
897
00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:36,600
Maybe.
898
00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:43,240
Here, boy. Come on.
899
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:03,600
Armageddon is days away,
900
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,760
and we've lost the Antichrist.
901
00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:09,920
Why did the powers of Hell have
to drag me into this anyway?
902
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:11,880
Well, don't quote me on this,
but I'm pretty sure
903
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:13,800
it's because of all those memos
you kept sending them,
904
00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:16,160
saying how amazingly well
you were doing.
905
00:48:16,240 --> 00:48:17,840
Is it my fault
they never check-up?
906
00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:20,960
I'm to blame
they never check-up?
907
00:48:21,040 --> 00:48:23,960
Everyone stretches the truth
a bit in memos to head office.
908
00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:25,400
-You know that.
-Yes, but you told them
909
00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:27,240
you invented
the Spanish Inquisition
910
00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:29,480
and started
the Second World War.
911
00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:32,080
So the humans beat me to it.
That's not my fault.
912
00:48:34,520 --> 00:48:36,040
Something's changed.
913
00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:37,720
Oh, it's a new cologne.
My barber suggested it.
914
00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:39,960
Not you.
I know what you smell like.
915
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:45,800
The Hell Hound
has found its master.
916
00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:47,040
Are you sure?
917
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:49,440
I felt it.
Would I lie to you?
918
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:51,320
Well, obviously. You're a demon.
That's what you do.
919
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:54,000
No, I'm not lying.
The boy, wherever he is,
920
00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:56,320
has the dog.
921
00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:58,240
He's named it.
It's done.
922
00:48:58,320 --> 00:49:00,160
He's coming into his power.
923
00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:02,760
We're doomed.
924
00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:04,960
Well, then...
925
00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:08,320
welcome to the end times.
